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“Fuck, dropped call again.”

~ Oscar Wilde on AT&T

“Yes, I was having an issue with my...hello? Hello?”

~ Your Mom on Customer Service at AT&T

"Three times faster with one-third the coverage."

AT&T is the most popular cellular service provider in the United States. Except for Verizon. AT&T is the largest and most powerful organization in the country, except possibly the NSA, though it may be the same thing. Its tentacles reach all the way up into the upper echelons of government and even into the atmosphere and out into space.


AT&T was the telephone monopoly throughout the United States. It was formerly known as the Bell System but then bells started to be replaced with little piezoelectric squeaking things. AT&T was notorious for shoddy connections and contemptuous customer service.

The Justice Department solved this problem with a court order breaking AT&T up into the "Baby Bells," the Regional Operating Companies that would immediately start wheeling and dealing to reassemble a shoddy and contemptuous monopoly. New York Bell had the upper hand in shoddiness; it ate New England Telephone and renamed itself NYNEX. Then it ate the others and renamed itself Verizon.

AT&T's origins as the R&D arm of the Bell System have enabled it to achieve awesome miniaturization.

Research-and-Development and certain other functions were put in a separate company, still known as AT&T, which immediately began to try to morph itself into exactly what it was before (big, shoddy, and contemptuous).

As Americans began to realize that telephone service was never going to get better and abandoned it in favor of cell phones (a decision that had occurred to ten million Mexicans a decade earlier), AT&T, Verizon, and a couple of bit players would wrestle with one another to re-create the dial-up experience for a new generation of customers who didn't want it.

A recommendation[edit]

Based on your telephone usage, we have determined that you could benefit by enrolling in one of our attractively-priced package deals for nationwide Long Distance.[1]

  1. Strangely, the same computers that devised this recommendation did not detect that you have made no long-distance land-line calls in the last three years, and that you would derive an instant and much larger benefit by dumping the service completely.

3G network![edit]

Yeah, we have a 3G Wireless Internet Connection! What the hell does that mean, I don't fucking know, I'm just paid for these commercials, and, dude, 3G means it's FUCKING FAST AS HELL!, you can do with one phone on our network what you can only do with one phone on every other network! Come on, man! Fuck! It's fucking THREE FUCKING GEE. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

Claims of holes[edit]

Some people tell you that we have complete holes in our coverage. But this isn't true! We don't waste money on places that don't even have cell phones like those pussies in Zimbabwe! Who the hell uses phones in the Deep South? No one! We cover you where you need to be covered, because only our great phones can cover our great coverage! Then we cover our coverage of our coverage just because we're that BADASS! If you don't have a MOTHERFUCKING GREAT AT&T phone, then you can't run AT&T! Get it, Einstein?!? That's because we're three times faster, we're 3G's man! THREE MOTHER FUCKING GEES! Don't agree? Too bad! Use fucking verizon or talk to those pussies at t-mobile.

Cool phones[edit]

You ever look at a cell phone and think, "Dude, that's SO FUCKING BORING! I wish my phone was pimped out and cool, just like the rappers I see on the television! Our cell phones are so fucking awesome, I can't even fucking describe them! Seriously, they're Super-crap-a-fuck-ariffic-expiala-bullshit! They flip, they drop, they kick, they spin, they pillage, they mutilate, they plunder, they rape, they decapitate, they give you the power to fly, they raid, they slice, they dice, they frappe, they maim, they destroy, they send souls into hell, they damn gods for all eternity, and it even has FUCKING BLUETOOTH man! GOD DAMN FUCKING BLUETOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Super-crap-a-fuck-ariffic-expiala-bullshit!

Fucking Bluetooth! MAN![edit]

Fucking Bluetooth, man!

WHAT ELSE DO YOU FUCKING NEED!? Dude, I'll tell you WHAT ELSE YOU FUCKING NEED! We give you FUCKING ROLLOVER MINUTES, that's right, FUCKING ROLLOVER MINUTES! Not calling anyone over the weekend because you suck!? No friends because you're a pussy!? Feel like killing yourself because even phone sex operators hang up on your ass? Then we have fucking rollover minutes for your ass! You can build up so many minutes, that when you contemplate suicide because you're such a faggot, you can talk with the suicide hotline FOR FUCKING EVER! FOR FUCKING EVER! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!?!?! Man, if that's not a FUCKING AWESOME DEAL, then I don't know what!


Use of these antenna repeaters significantly extends the network.

AT&T does not actually extend service to areas outside of Boston, New York, and on a good day, Chicago. AT&T's service also does not claim any responsibility for random dead zones in the middle of your most important calls. Deal with it.