Why?:Save the Idiots
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VERONA, WISCONSIN- On the outside, Arnold Patterson appeared like any other American. He was a heterosexual white male in his mid-40’s. He had a wife and two overweight children. He had a large collection of guns, which he enjoyed using to blow large animals into oblivion. His I.Q. was a mere 61., because his I.Q. was so low, Patterson died in late July of 2007 on account of electrocution; trying to pry open an electrical outlet to see how it works on the inside. Patterson is one of over five hundred thousand people who die every year just because they are idiots.
Idiocy is the the largest cause of death in America (second practicing the hobby of being a douchebag) and the fourth-largest cause of death in Britain. That is why we, the Save the Idiots foundation, believe that you should do your part in the struggle to save Morons, Half-wits, Imbeciles, retards, Numbskulls, and of course Idiots. But many do not understand how truly tragic death by idiocy can be. To illustrate, we will show two case studies of idiots and their demise.
Meyer was born into wealth: his father was Bill Gates and his mother was a hooker who Bill Gates once paid a billion dollars to have sex with. Meyer worked his way down from fantastic riches to virtually nothing. When he was ten, Meyer un-taught himself how to read by banging his head against a wooden cabinet repeatedly. When his money guaranteed him a scholarship into any Ivy League school, he chose Rhode Island’s Brown University. Two days later, he dropped out of Brown and invested all of his money in Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. Within months Meyer was penniless. After a brief career as an airline pilot he died of starvation.
Joe Matherson is what many would call a redneck. Born into extreme poverty, he supported his family by shootin’ coons (the animal, not black people- although he did some of that, too) and eatin’ ‘em. He was often called by his papa “the smartest thing I ever did father and uncle.” Matherson is credited with the creation of that timeless joke, “If you go to a family reunion to pick up chicks, you might just be a redneck.” Matherson won an Emmy for his work and went on to co-write the legendary “Tirdy Point Buck” song, considered by many the greatest artwork of this millennium. At this time, Matherson decided he better “git sum form-al educashin to make it in that there real world.” Matherson enrolled in kindergarten at age 22 but was run over by the school bus that came to pick him up, which he believed was Satan in disguise.
But why save the idiots?
Okay, you say. Idiots are slowly dying out, and it’s their own damn fault. Why should we save them? They seem to be doing a pretty good job of wiping themselves out. What good are idiots, anyway? Well, smart guy, idiots do a lot more than cut drivers off and vote. In fact, idiots provide many necessary services to the world. If all the idiots died, they would no longer provide these services. Let’s take a look at what a world without idiots would be like:
If you are American: 95% of U.S. children are idiots. When all of the idiots die, your country will collapse because everyone else uses a condom or gets abortions. Yeah, that’s right. Cry all you want.
If you are British: With America gone, Britain will become the stupidest country in the world. Add that to the fact that you’re not very attractive, and what do you have left? Cricket playing skills? You don’t got nothing.
If you are Australian: You will be dead.
If you watch Larry the Cable Guy: See “Australian.”
If you like the New York Jets: What quarterback?
If you like fast food: Who’s going to flip your burgers?
If you're a save-um fan: Who’s going to watch it? no one since all the morons are gone.
If you are an undecided voter: See “Australian.”
If you live in Amsterdam: Consider yourself EXTINCT.
Now give us money!
As you can see, idiots benefit us all in more ways than we possibly imagined. This is why the Save the Idiots Foundation was formed. With your minimum donation of $200, we will be better prepared to save idiots. Please call the 1-800 number at the bottom of your screen today and support the Save the Idiots Foundation with a monetary donation. You will receive a free special edition “Save the Idiots” T-shirt. Offer void on Planet Earth.