This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“Wait....what was that about getting lucky?”
“Read the repercussions.”
“WTF? Chuck Norris knows the word repercussion?”
“Yes, I tought him”
Why Me? is one of the surprisingly plentiful age old questions of humanity. The dinosaurs asked it when the meteor crashed down and killed them all in one fell swoop. Julius Caesar asked it when he was murdered by his stab-happy friends. I asked it the other day when my husband of 10 years left me for the family goat. I don't really want to talk about that, but the point is that it's a commonly asked question, and if you're reading this now, you obviously want the answer. Well, read on.
Many people toil around for lifetimes before they finally master their own particular boggles to reach the solution and reason for why it's them. For those of you reading this, congratulations! Because after years of study, I can now give you three possible answers. The three possible answers for this important (albeit self-centered) question, are, in layman's term, it's simply because you either suck, are paranoid, or don't have any luck. Let's examine each possibility individually.
Sucking is a common problem facing the human race these days. I mean this both metaphorically and literally. Really, people suck a lot. You may have come upon this...disease for lack of a better word, through genetics, habit, or from listening to George W. Bush talk too often.
You Could Pass the Buck to:
You might try this to cure yourself:
- Stop sucking, and attempt to do something good with your life.
- Become a disciple of Oscar Wilde.
Paranoia is also rampant in our societies. The main thing you must remember is that nobody cares, really. Most of us don't even remember your name, and aren't interested in following you to the Hell hole you call a home.
Possible Sources of Blame:
- Parents, of course.
- A massive superiority complex, derived from your popularity on pointless IRC's, such as #uncyclopedia.
- Your own tendencies to be a stalker backfiring.
- Perhaps some left over anxiety from Stalin.
Here are some possible ideas/solutions for your problem:
- It's quite possible that it's not actually you at all. Keep that in mind.
- Try therapy. It worked for Your Mom.
Luck is a many splendid thing. All you need is luck. That's why it's too bad you don't have any. The important thing to remember is that you may indeed have luck-- it just may not be good.
Unlucky? Here's What You Could Blame it on:
- All those times you walked under ladders or opened umbrellas inside.
- Stanley Yelnats stealing that fateful pig.
- *drumroll*.... your Parents.
What to do to get a wee bit of luck:
- Capture the unwary leprechaun and force him to bestow you with some. Be careful they don't screw you into some worse luck.
- Get lucky. I'm sure a prostitute would be willing to help for a small fee.
However life-altering these suggestions of change may be, they are not to be taken lightly. Any attempt to follow them could result in irreparable damage to the space-time continuum and Chuck Norris arriving at your house with an UZI and one more reason for why it's you. His words exactly.
Disclaimer: The makers of this article apologize for raising anyone's hopes or causing any sort of situations that would cause you to ask this fateful question, but there wasn't much we could do about it. We were being threatened.
|Featured Why? Article