Why?:Did I just read Twilight?

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"It's better than Harry Potter," they said. "Everyone in the world should be required to read this masterpiece," they said. Finally I caved in. "You won't regret it," they said. Well... I do. I sat there for a week non-stop just reading. It was so invigorating! I never thought I could read an entire book on my own, without any help from anyone, or the underlying threat that if I didn't read it then I would have to go to summer school for English (again).

But now that I am done, I can't help but feel a piece of my soul is missing. I find myself thinking of the same question over and over again. Why did I just read Twilight?

"I want that week of my life back you selfish bastard!"

What have I done?

It went against all my moral values and practices! And to top it all off, it sucked! I spent an entire week of my life reading that menace, without even taking time away to eat, or poop. I can't believe I let myself get suckered into reading that shit. Stephenie Meyer should be arrested for theft, because that is a week of my life I will never get back. Not in a million years. No amount of illegal searching of her over-paid house will ever return that week to me.

And to top it all off, I have no idea what the book was even about! I was so caught up in the adrenaline caused by me actually reading a book that I completely forgot to pay attention to any part of the plot. Was there even a plot? I have no idea to be honest, after a few hundred pages the story just melds into a big blob of nothingness spiced with chagrin.

From the summary I read on Spark Notes, it appears that there is a main character who falls in love with another main character. This doesn't sound like anything special to me. If I wanted to hear about that, I would just go out and rent my favorite movie, Pearl Harbor.

And besides...!

Have you ever read the book? The main character is a vampire! And the vampire is gay! And not just gay, but a flaming homosexual! He openly admits to being gay (well, not really but anyone who is capable of thinking for themselves could easily figure that out)! Who wants to read a book about a gay vampire? I don't know what kind of weird fetishes you are into, but I certainly do not.

How do you base an entire series around a gay vampire and his "girlfriend", who he is only with because he has a strange blood fetish, and cannot resist the allure of the smell that normally he only finds in guys. Which leads to another thing. How do you write several 1,000 page books about a gay vampire? I suppose it could be possible by adding more gay vampires to it. I don't know, but it seems like its possible.

"I am in no way gay."

I know what I must do.

I have decided on what I must do now. I must kill Stephenie Meyer, but only for a week. That is how it felt looking back on it for me, I felt dead inside, but yet unable to put the book down. It was glued to my hand as far as I am concerned. I will only kill her for a week, but if she decides to continue being dead after the week, that is no fault of mine.

I know it may seem a bit rash, but when you think about it, she is only taking up useful space on earth, and besides, it will push off the next twilight book a week, that will screw with those Twilight fans out there, maybe they will commit suicide (for a week) just so that they wouldn't have to wait for the book. And that will also free up tons of space in my school. For a week.

Meh...

No, that sounds like it would take a lot of time to map out, and I am just too lazy for that. Oh well, you win this round Stephenie, but mark my words, I will be back, just as soon as I finish reading New Moon (God damn you Stephenie Meyer!)