Whipped cream

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Whipped cream is an artificial non-dairy substance which was originally intended to serve as a low-cost substitute for non-whipped real cream. Yeah, like that ever happened.

Nutritive Properties[edit]

Whipped cream is chock-full of all kinds of nutritive non-foodlike ingredients such as Cap'n Crunch, sex, polysorbate 80, 5-tert-butyl-4-isopropyl-2,3-dimethylnonane, and gas bubbles. In spite of all this wholesome goodness, whipped cream has virtually no calories due to its shockingly low density and overall nonflammability. If you feed whipped cream to a goat, the goat will go to a nearby arcade and spend large sums of money. That's just how goats are. They're selfish.

Popular Usages of Whipped Cream[edit]

Up to 93% of the world's total whipped cream production is used in the vast porn industry, partly for the alleviation of friction burns, but mostly for simulating the explosive effects of the alleged female orgasm. Most of the remaining 7% is stockpiled by the Federal government in atmospherically-controlled underground caverns as a strategic reserve in the event of death or a sudden outbreak of stooge mania.

Whipped cream has also recently been tested as a local arse in the sadistic field of dentistry as a viable alternative for painful sex™ injections. Possible side effects include uncontrollable giggling, intestinal bloatage, sticky residues, hyperaccelerated tooth decay, and erectile malfunction. This is perfectly normal and nothing to get overly concerned about.

Harvey Columbo discovered 103 uses for whipped cream, including the popular treatment of testicular/scrotal infections. Whipped cream was worshipped in the past by countless civilizations for its healing properties. The god of whipped cream is commonly referred to as John Travolta.

Locals in the Pacific Northwest of the United States often celebrate the coming of the new year with variations of the popular Spin the Bottle. Revelers spray whipped cream onto the Chosen One and proceed to lick it off, a traditional (cult) ritual.


The Surgeon General of the United States has yet to determine if huffing whipped cream poses a health risk to health-ridden people. In the meantime, Congress has recently passed emergency legislation outlining the recommended Federal procedures for safe nasal inhalation of this semi-controlled substance.

Outline of Recommended Federal Procedures for Safe Nasal Inhalation of Whipped Cream[edit]

  1. Clear the intermediate area of all kittens to safeguard their pathetic little lives and minimize their inevitable feelings of rejection and/or inadequacy.
  2. Insert the canister nozzle deeply in one (1) mouth and secure with several layers of duct tape.
  3. WARNING: Keep all other nasal passages clear of duct tape or other obstructions, otherwise your head will explode, making you look very silly.
  4. Open the valve of the nozzle and huff deeply.
  5. WARNING DANGER DANGER WARNING: You may sneeze unexpectedly at this point, causing alarming quantities of whipped cream to entirely bypass the brain and splatter all over the place. Get a mop already. Then obtain another canister and try again.

See Also[edit]