Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 13

July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near a Sleeping Stranger Day

• 1294 - The armies of Kublai Khan would fail to invade Europe due to the distractions of arcade games and lousy pizza and wine in Chuck E. Cheese restaurants they encounter. The Great Khan himself succumbs to the lure of prize tickets exchangeable for gaudy trinkets and would fall off a pony ride in one of the restaurants in the Samarkand region. This led to his death despite his happiness at winning a pencil topper.
• 1310 - Marco Polo becomes the scourge of every swimming pool in the known world.
• c.1880 - The tango is invented to allow Argentians to air out their pits and crotches during a particularly humid summer.
• 1921 - Sinead O'Connor is arrested for indecent exposure in a coma ward.
• 1945 - The Manhattan Engineering District achieves its first major success, giving the ability of flight to a medium-sized mouse.
• 1982 - Adventurous masturbators discover Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey and find out that even 9 volts is pretty much the limit. Emergency room staff are highly amused by the experiments and compare the resulting odor to be something like pork barbecue.
• 1987 - The United States Supreme Court rules that disciplining your monkey near a sleeping stranger (pictured) is unconstitutional.
• 2003 - Stunningly gorgeous tennis sensation Martina Hingis stuns her fans by announcing her retirement. Her fans cry for days and refuse to eat.
• 2005 - Uncyclopedia is viciously and unfairly deleted by extremist Wikipedians. Wikipedia then crumbles without a parody site to funnel traffic in its direction.
• 2009 - The Uncyclopedia Anniversaries break the fourth wall by telling you to get a job, you lazy git!
• 2010 - The bite marks and the broken arm tell us the job you took at the piranha petting zoo wasn't such a good idea. Unwashed starving hermit might be the better choice for you, then.