Wikipedian
Wikipedians are a group of semi-educated, troll-like creatures, spread all over the world's subterranean, interconnected complexes of caverns and their mothers' basements, who have been personally recruited for world domination by the hive-mind nexus Jimbo Wales. Membership in this elite club generally requires that the creature have at least two (but preferably five or more) axes to grind. The gender ratio is roughly nine men to every one woman, ensuring ferocious competition come mating season. The Wikipedians' first step towards world domination was to usurp the Encyclopedia Britannica as the premier legitimate encyclopedic academic reference by the world's universities. Today, teachers trust Wikipedia more than any other resource. What started as a single pathetic article in January 2001 is now 11 million articles in an untold number of languages, including Java.
They are powerful and do not tolerate resistance and illiteracy, irrespective of whether they come from spam, bots and other powerful IPs. They work in round-the-clock shifts and update information faster than CNN or the CIA's deep 'unaccounted for' field operatives. No one has ever challenged them to mortal combat and not been slain by some lightning pen. They may suffer casualties, but this often goes unreported in slow-selling newspapers such as The New York Times. However, they encourage donors, since they are the internet's clergy, passing the collection plate to support their feudalism.
As in all great empires, Wikipedia, their cyber-country has gone through some serious infighting, and it was shaken to its servers when its high priest, Larry Sanger, attempted a coup against Lord Jimbo. However, the coup failed and he sought refuge in another new city called Citizendium, which is now decimated by plague.
Fun trivia[edit]
- Wikipedians are mammals belonging to the genus Wikipedius Dullardus Unfunnyus
- Wikipedians are generally terrified of sunlight and anything bordering on common sense
- Some Wikipedians swim
- Some Wikipedians swim faster than us
- Wikipedians most likely masturbate
- Wikipedians do eat
- Some Wikipedians eat more than us
- Wikipedians with small children must be carefully monitored, as they have been known to eat their young
- Wikipedians do sleep
- Some Wikipedians sleep less than us
- Many Wikipedians have paid jobs
- Some Wikipedians are our employers
- Some Wikipedians have fired us and this is what it is really about
- Wikipedians can copulate
- Some Wkipedians copulate with us
- Some have refused to and have filed a sexual harassment report
- Wikipedians are a virus. They spread virally.
- Wikipedians are not fatal. They just expire when the time comes due to the Act of God.
- Wikipedians do have accidents. None of the accidents have our direct involvement
- This is the best part. Some Wikipedians do run to Uncyclopedia when they have become absolutely useless.
- Most Wikipedians fall under the category of "Virgin."
Wikipedian hierarchy of power[edit]
Wikipedians who work hard and prove themselves are often allowed to write much more than humanly possible and given more rights including the rights to ignore all rules and hunt down weasels. After killing enough weasels, they can get nominated for positions that even Donald Trump cannot pay for. Today, the Wikipedians bask in a multi-faceted government system that has successfully combined the United Nations with the Mafia and has overtaken Al-Qaida in underground appeal to a higher purpose in life.
There are many parties who wanted to settle scores the traditional way with some of the Wikipedians, but their power structure is so spiderlike that it has no single forwarding address to which you can send a letter stuffed with anthrax. Now numbering about 150,000, they are ready to move to their next victim, which is Google.
Do not be fooled by their impregnable structure. You as a fool individual can join them and work your ass off to the lofty top. Thanks to their peer and consensus-seeking culture, you may rub shoulders pens with them and gain prominence. It is still not clear what the material rewards are if you reach a status of bureaucrat. Probably have cybersex with another bureaucrat of the opposite sex.
Testimonial[edit]
Wikipedians can edit anything they want! Wikipedians edit articles ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so sharp and sharper that they edit ALL the time. I heard that there was this Wikipedian who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Wikipedian wrote an article about that dude. Once, a Wikipedian wrote an article about some kid just because the kid opened a window.
Wikipedian policies[edit]
The most powerful element among Wikipedians are their endless web of insanely convoluted rules and policies which begin with the secret code "WP" which means "World Power" and God help you if you do not follow these rules. You must memorise them well if you want to stand a chance of seeing the next day's morning son. To a deletionist, opposing these rules is like offering them a dead baby. These "policies" are as follows:
- No Original Research which dictates that one cannot say that the sky is blue without a verifiable source.
- Neutral Point of View which forbids one from saying that Osama Bin Laden is a terrorist or that Adolf Hitler was a mass murderer.
- Verifiability, not truth Pretty self explanatory.
Probably the most evil you can encounter is the "WP:Deletion Policy". It is not enough that you get deleted, but there is an elaborate and excruciating process which makes you wish they rather use the guillotine to make it faster. Some of the steps employed is to ask you to show cause why you ought not be send home to your mummy right away. You may avoid such an embarrassment by plotting with fellow but weaker Wikipedians to vote the motion down.
Deletion for non-"notability" is a common manner of deleting topics on Wikipedia. Using their sophisticated "Mumbo-Jumbo" rules, the Wikipedian will cry for "secondary sources" to establish "notability" of a topic, then after the contributor cites 250 such sources, will, instead, use the grounds of "a classic case of 'bombardment'" as a grounds for ultimately deleting the "non-notable" article. When a deletion "discussion" is involved, the Wikipedian's goal is to "destroy" the contributor's subject, email all his or her Wikipedian "Deletionist" cohorts until the contributor's self-worth and small ego are basically shattered. (And, of course, "DELETED" is the term that is used for such actions, which is required in every instance of a "Deletion" discussion.)
Another rule that you may want to avoid been pasted on your pages is the "WP:Neutral point of view" or NPOV rule. Been endowed with a Harvard education that tells you to follow a certain viewpoint, you are now under danger to forgo that when confronted with the no-nonsense NPOV rule. If you try to publish the fact anywhere in your userboxes that you indeed do possess a Doctorate from Harvard, you may be slapped with a WP:VANITY. You wouldn't want to be call anything after all that teasing years from an all-boys boarding school.
However there are exit clauses that you can use to speed up your freedom from such undeserved delusion. Try "WP:Vandalism". Once outside do not speak ill of any of your previous masters or else there is a secret "WP:ENEMY OF THE STATE" that i cannot really begin to even tell you what it can do to your cell phone.
The Holy Template[edit]
Wikipedians exercised their powers quite effortlessly thanks to the invention of Templates which are surrounded by curly brackets. A single CTRL-V pasting of such snips can easily render your whole page hapless with non-erasable graffiti ink. One dreaded example is the Template called '{{Disembowelled}}' and {{We Know What You Did Last Summer}}'. Templates are the direct serving of a judgement as a result of the crimes against the stated policies. Some of the templates are known to block your bowel movements. Some can even produce tears upon sight.
However not all templates are evil. There are some that are very warm such as "{{We know it's your birthday}}" and {{Would you like us to walk your dog?}}'.
Requests for donation[edit]
Wikipedians are shy about asking outright money from passers-by until they reach a state more sorry that Albania. After some serious mortar attacks to his home, Jimmy Wales contacted Picasso to draw up a nice painting to hide his intentions (pictured). That painting cost him 1.3 million euros. You will notice that the figure shown in it does not move but stay still. If you do not believe us, come back after a millenium and compare it with the photograph you took now.
