Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/April 24

April 24: The Feast of Maximum Occupancy, Zombie Jesus Day (Christians and Eggnogstics)

• 33 CE - Zombie Jesus rises from his tomb and partially devours the brains of his apostles, resulting in most of the inane ramblings in The New Testament.
• 89 CE - Pope Clement I celebrates the first Zombie Jesus Day by decreeing that people consume copious amounts of high cholesterol in the form of chocolate and painted chicken embryos.
• 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
• 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America, The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
• 1856 - The word 'chairman' is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as 'A person with a proclivity to stand sitting'.
• 1862 - The Amerikan Sivil Whar on spelling begins, the letter u in color being the first victim.
• 1981 - IBM create the first known evil computer.
• 1982 - IBM reveals computer wasn't 'evil', it was just running a Microsoft operating system.
• 1984 - Apple builds the world's first do-nothing computer.
• 1986 - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
• 2000 - Fat-free chips are withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the UK due to risk of intestinal implosion.
• 2005 - George W. Bush declares, 'America is officially full'. Congress approves bypass for Haitian boatpeople to row to Canada.
• Today - You eat too much food and spend five hours on the toilet thinking of Uncyclopedia jokes.