UnSignpost:Archives/07-13
The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By ME, I Swear!
July, 5th 2013 • Issue 188 • A rag you can surely use for a clean-up of your own!
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The Great Party is close
The entries for the prestigious 2013 Poo Lit Surprise Awards (PLS) have required an extra order of candles and writing paper for the judges this year. Entries from Uncyclopedia's veteran contributor Modusoperandi, Shabidoo (the dancing banana of 2010), the repentant Sinner George and the avian Flyingbird were up against this year's crop of promising arrivals. Anton199 from Russia with the love of Uncyclopedia, the self-proclaimer ScottPat, and the ordained proofreader the Reverend P. Pennyfeather. Anton was so eager to take part that he also qualified in the Noob category, where his opponent for an award is the gender-neutral Uncycloperson. Two awards can already be sent out, as ScottPat and Anton199 will have to find room on their shelves for the Best Rewrite and Best Collaboration awards. Though they had no competition, they are winners all the way. Your awards will be delivered by chauffeur on the day the other winners are announced. All this preamble, therefore, is a warning that the judges - Romartus (from 'some way south of London Bridge') and PuppyOnTheRadio - have yet to declare the winners. In the interests of transparency, the decisions will be announced this weekend (6th-7th July) and will explain how they chose the winners. All will be transparent, above-board, and above-lodging, as the hoped-for bribes did not materialise this year - perhaps a first for Poo Lit. So look out for the results, and for those who have made their holiday plans - well, cancel them! British clean-up proceeds grimily
Our last UnSignpost announced that the Chief Justice graced us with what one wag called "an hysteric return" (though writing about something else entirely), as well as, from our best reading of the "mainstream" press, suddenly being given full charge of the country of Egypt in place of the Muslim Brotherhood (pictured). If that were not a tall enough order, the Chief has announced a big British clean-up, an effort not only to expand articles beyond the theme that every British town is full of chavs, drunks, and foreigners with turbans, but to propose a regional forest fire of bad articles that will run circles around the sluggish Votes for Deletion process. Unfortunately, the only ones not already in the know were, by virtue of living in Russia or the States, inherently unqualified to assist. Among Uncyclopedians who actually know something about Britain, Magicrainbowunicorn is resting on his/her/its laurels with Reading, England, the last such article that we slapped on the main page, whereas Dorisdoom had been making progress with Leicester until suddenly discovering she was not alone on the wiki, which spelled Doris's, er, doom. However, as most such swan songs are not sung so as not to be heard, we can hope that both budding new Uncyclopedians will some day see beyond the chance well-intentioned revert and take their places among the greats. But a more prolific editor has stepped up to the Chief's call. This user, whose various user names all have something to do with killing Britons until we permaban them, had the hilarious concept that all our articles on the United Kingdom be replaced by a single manifesto on how Brits are Satanic progeny, while at the same time being spawned, and also totally gay. Not only is a comedy theme that would span an entire department of Uncyclopedia the most ambitious initiative since Oscar Wilde, this user's single-mindedness and total predictability have prompted innovations in the field of Abuse Filters to ban him without annoying a human being. And, in much less time than it takes him to figure out what portion of his manifesto we are pattern-matching, we can change it. Our previous little helper has not been stopped but has seen the reward for his efforts eliminated by something that Wikia daintily refers to as "throttling," which is the tidiest euphemism for targeted, total ruin ever devised outside the U.S. Federal Reserve. |
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