UnScripts:Don't Go There!

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This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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Jim is in the sitting room. He is watching Cable TV. Enter Bob.

Bob: Hey Jim! What's on TV?
Jim: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Bob sits down.
Jim: How was work at the glue factory?
Bob gives Jim a look.
Jim: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Bob: What do you mean?
Jim: Shut up!
Bob: Seriously! (audience laughs)
Jim: Well, I was promoted to supervisor and then Gary got sucked into the glue strainer and was killed. I had to fish bits of him out of the blades. It was very traumatic. I said not to go there. (audience laughs)
Bob: You think that's bad! I ran out of Coke and I had to go to the supermarket, and they didn't have any Coke, just Pepsi, and I got that, AND THERE WERE FOUR PEOPLE IN THE QUEUE!!!
Jim: Yes. You're right, you're day was worse.
Bob: That's not it either. When I got home, I'd missed the big football game.
They both look at camera.
Jim and Bob: ZING!!! (audience laughs)

Flashback to earlier in the day. Bob is at the shop.

Bob: Oh man. I don't have enough change!
Shopkeeper: You'll have to put back an item.
Bob: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Shopkeeper: No seriously. I'll call the cops.
Bob: ZING!!! (audience laughs)
Shopkeeper: What?
Bob: I...zing.
Shopkeeper: You think that trying to steal from me will averted by saying zing?
Bob: I'll just put these J-cloths back.

Slap bass solo for 30 seconds. Back in the living room, Cathy enters carrying a number of bags.

Cathy: Oh! My! God! (audience laughs)
Jim: Hey Cathy!
Cathy: Hey Jim! Hey...you... (she glowers at Bob - audience laughs)
Bob: What'd I do? Oh Jeez! (audience laughs)
Jim: What's up?
Cathy: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Bob: Seriously?
Cathy: You hit me with your car you fuckwit! (audience laughs)

Bob and Jim look at each other.

Bob and Jim: ZING!!! (audience laughs)
Bob: So that's how I got those ass-shaped dents in my car! (audience laughs)
Cathy: I'm calling the police.
Bob: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Jim: Yeah! (shakes fist - audience laughs)

Slap bass solo for 30 seconds over a montage of scenes from New York ending with sound of glass breaking.

At the police station...

Police Officer: Name?
Bob: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Officer: What?
Bob: ZING!!! (audience laughs)
Officer: Tell me your name or you'll go to jail.
Bob: Bob.
Officer: Bob what?
Bob: Bob, pleased to meet you! (audience laughs)
Bob: (pause) ZING!!! (audience laughs)
Officer: What's your full name?
Bob: Just Bob. I have no surname.
Officer: Really? How did that happen?
Bob: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Bob: Anyway, don't I get one phone call?
Officer: Yeah. (hands phone to Bob)
Bob: Jim! (Jim answers phone)
Jim: Bob! Where are you?
Bob: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Jim: Now is not the time Bob. (audience laughs)
Bob: I'm at the police station. I need you to bail me out.
Jim: OK, I'm on my way. I'd better tell my boss that I have to go.

Two-minute slap bass solo.

Jim arrives at the station.

Jim: I'm here for my friend.
Officer: Who's your friend?
Jim: Bob.
Officer: Bob who?
Jim: Bob...um... (audience laughs)
Officer: ZING!!! (audience laughs)
Jim: What?
Officer: Um...zing.
Jim: What?
Officer: I'll just take you to him shall I?

They walk to a cell.

Jim: Bob!
Bob: Jim!
Jim: How have you been?
Bob: Don't go there! (audience laughs)
Jim: Seriously?
Bob: Well I was beaten rather severely. (audience laughs)
Jim: Ouch! (audience laughs)
Jim: Let's get you out of here. Ho much will it be officer?
Officer: $400
Jim: Aww Jeez! (audience laughs)

Fade to rather cheesy music.