UnNews:Wendy files paternity suit against Pep Boys

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8 June 2016

Wendy.png Pep Boys.png
The family resemblance can no longer be denied, no matter how many public-relations firms they hire.

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania -- Iconic hamburger girl Wendy has filed a paternity suit against the three Pep Boys in District Court here.

The logos for both American businesses have been repeatedly modernized in the last two decades — starting by whiting-out Manny's signature cigar to coincide with the 1990 "Great American Smoke-Out" — increasingly revealing an undeniable resemblance that suggests that Wendy was the unfortunate result of someone finding out, "Where's the beef?"

It could be worse; daughter and father might both suffer from Wax Lips Disease.

Gossip columnist Lucianne Goldberg, who counseled Monica Lewinsky against getting her notorious blue dress dry-cleaned, says the big giveaway is circles where the eyes should be. The petite redhead never smoked a stogie.

None of the Pep Boys — neither Manny, Moe, nor Joe — could be reached for comment, nor is it clear which one is the putative father. Wendy (officially Melinda Lou Thomas) had always claimed to be the fourth child of late hamburger magnate Dave Thomas, and had also always claimed to be "Wendy" despite it not being her name but someone else's. As rumors arose regarding her true parentage, she responded with quips like “I am so proud to be my parents’ daughter,” a notorious non-denial denial. However, she now appears to be serious about getting her just due.

UnNews obtained DNA samples of Wendy and all three Pep Boys by pulling out fistfuls of their hair during various press conferences. However, in a shocking development reported on nowhere else, the lab stated that comparisons were "inconclusive."