UnNews:War on climate change becomes a food fight

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Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Tuesday, December 6, 2022, 17:06:59 (UTC)

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6 November 2022

If the Irish were to join the war, stew may become the ultimate weapon.

POTSDAM, Germany -- Climate change activists have upped the ante. Instead of blocking traffic, they have declared a food fight against the world's paintings.

This comes as two German activists tried to assassinate Claude Monet's Les Meules with a mashed potato gun. Luckily for the painting, it had donned a potato-proof vest before its signature performance at the Museum Barberini. Nine days earlier, members of the Climate Change 32nd Battalion took out Vincent van Gogh's Sunflowers with a tomato-soup IED (Improvised Edible Device).

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Curators discover painting has been upside-down all along

"How can there be two concurrent wars happening at once?" the curator of the German Museum asked. "It just makes no sense." U.S. President Joe Biden confirmed that fighting two concurrent wars is a "non-goal" as U.S. defence strategy involves sending Secretary of State Antony Blinkin' to one combatant to propose a more convenient schedule, while Special Envoy James Taylor visits the other and croons "You've Got a Friend". It is not clear whether the recent inversion of a Middle-aged Master in a German museum was a third front opened in this art-themed war.

Nearby, the Russian invasion of Ukraine has entered an endless loop, as Vladimir Putin has put his infantry into a game of green-light, red-light; and has threatened the United Nations with nuclear warfare, then stating it was all just 'Russian humour', before making the same threat to the U.S. These warheads won't be filled with chocolate pudding, however, but with a sour liquid — equivalent to that of mustard gas used in World War I, before the recipe was perfected and the gas actually tasted like mustard and not horseradish.

General Greta Thunberg of the CCP (Climate Change Peacekeepers, not Chinese Communist Party — although both love war crimes and beef and black bean stir fry) issued a temporary ceasefire against art, claiming that they will have to sabotage the Ozone layer, which is currently fixing itself with self-funded materials. If it were fixed, they would all be out of a job and have no reason to proclaim their love of helping the planet by wasting perfectly good food instead of giving it to the homeless or kids in Africa.