UnNews:UK deeply concerned over Crimea

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3 March 2014

The Russian battlemap with the position of Ukraine on.

WESTMINSTER, LONDON -- UK Prime Minister David Cameron spoke on behalf of the nation today in the House of Commons when he gave his support to Hull football club over the headbutting incident of one of their players by Newcastle's manager. Then to the five people in the whole of the country who had actually taken an interest in WW3 he said, "gee, that escalated quickly!" and then went on to comment that "the UK is deeply concerned over the Crimea. If Russia do carry on with their slightly aggresive actions then I shall demand a stern letter of apology from Mr. Putin before he invades the Ukraine."

Other British reactions to the Crimean crisis have been, "By golly that's rather a small problem," "Oh dear how are the Ukrainians going to be able get to the beach" and "Why don't they just paint a thin red line on the border so that the Russians won't be able to cross it."

Over the past few days Russian troops have been mobilising in occupied Ukrainian territory of the Crimean Peninsula for a full scale invasion of Ukraine. The reason for their invasion is based on the fact that Ukraine has a lot of natural gas deposits and the leader of Ukraine is allegedly a Nazi in possesion of weapons of mass destruction, reasoning that the Americans have deemed "jumped-up pretexts."

In response to the Russian aggresion the Western allies have taken a very British way of assesing the situation by pretending that nothing has happened and closing down lines of diplomacy and trade with the Russians on the basis that their judges were too biased during the Women's Curling judging at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games. "If rumours are to be believed that the Ukrainian President is a Nazi then I do not see a problem in this," commented Boris Johnson, who has nothing to do with the crisis but needed the publicity, "I'd rather support a fascist than the Soviet Commies."

The Minister of Defence when questioned on whether Britain was mobilising troops in case of war replied, "War, what war? Peace in our time! Mr. Putin assures me that he won't invade the Ukraine or Poland for that matter." A few hours later the SAS unit sent into the Crimea was captured when trying to book in at a local hotel and taken hostage by Putin's forces.

An irrelevant dead Victorian woman who made her name there.

Diplomats have been sent to Nigeria and India to ask for their sovereignty back to become a colony of the British Empire again. This tactic was employed so that Britain could sustain a war economy through slavery to be able to fight WW3. Foreign secretary, William Hague reassured the British public "With the Russian ultimatum due at 3:00 GMT tomorrow, if WW3 does break out at least we'll all be asleep in our beds while the bomb goes off over London."

Brits also remember the time 150 years ago when the last war on the Crimean Peninsula was fought in which Britain triumphantly defeated the Russian forces of the time, who had attempted an invasion of the Crimea, and also treated the British soldiers so poorly that the injured were left to rot and die in the plains of Balaclava until Florence Nightingale came along. This has led to the Government's proposed conscription poster slogan for the British Army to read, "Rather get eaten alive by a Russian maggot than get killed by a bomb at home."

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