UnNews:UKIP rejects electoral pact with Monster Raving Loony party

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1 April 2015

Nigel Farage sets out his party's policies.

LONDON, UK -- United Kingdom Independence party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage has ruled out an alliance with the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (OMRLP). In a speech made inside a crowded pub whilst out campaigning for the British General Election to be held in May, Farage stopped long enough from grinning and drinking a pint of beer to explain why he thought there was 'no chance' of an electoral pact.

The Monster Raving Loony party are far too sensible and sober for my supporters, said Farage above the sound of Keep the White Cliffs of Dover White being played on an endless loop. I see no point in joining forces with them, they're a sad legacy party from the days of Lord Sutch. The British electorate have a stark choice: If you want to have fun and get pissed in the General Election, UKIP is for you. Farage was then helped out of the pub and allowed a 'short nap' before moving onto his next drinking photo opportunity.

Despite criticisms that the party's candidates were more 'nasty' than 'funny', the party announced it had selected the following for their key electoral battlegrounds:

  • Fred Fruitcake (West Foaming-in-the-Mouth)
  • Anna Ranter (Bonkers South)
  • Sam Purple-Spandex (Twerpthorpe & Twittingham)
  • Watney Boozer (Old Bore)
  • Jeremy Clarkson (Thumpershire)

UKIP party spokesman Winston Sepia-Tones said he 'was confident' that UKIP will be able to offer a candidate in every seat and that contrary to impressions, the party 'welcomed' everyone with sandwiches, even if some were short of a full traditional English picnic.

(Since this story was published, the following UKIP candidates have been deselected:Jack the Ripper, Richard III, and Jeremy Clarkson for defecting back to the Conservative Party.)

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