UnNews:Taliban shoots Cheney
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:33:59 (UTC) |
| Taliban shoots Cheney | 
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27 February 2007
BAGRAM, Afghanistan -- At least nine people have been hospitalized due to a quail-hunting trip gone awry near the main US base in Afghanistan during Vice President and de facto dictator of the United States Dick Cheney's stay, officers at the Office of the General Secretary of the Republican Party say. Mr Cheney, who was unharmed apart from a loss of his mojo, was staying at the Bagram air base near Kabul. The US military said Cheney's hunting buddy, notorious Afghan human-rights abuser Mullah Omar, was "very sorry." Some reports say 14 birds will be served tonight - more than 20 others got away due to a liberal/terrorist scheme which will shortly be corrected by Gopintern.
Said Cheney, "I am so, so sorry for being hit by my fellow madmen. I wasn't obeying hunting etiquette, and I have nothing but respect for the Taliban. I'm so sorry I had to do this to him." Cheney was then escorted out of the FOXNews studio is tears, muttering something about "peace without victory" and other Wilsonian nonsense.
The Taliban said they accidentally hit several Americans besides Cheney while on the quail-hunting trip in Tora Bora. Cheney, who was on an unannounced visit to the region, is a good friend and political ally of the Taliban, a fundamentalist Muslim group not entirely unlike the American Republican Party. "We have no responsibility for this act, we are good friends, and I am not a killer," Taliban representative Mullah Omar said in an interview with FOXNews reporter Sean Hannity. The former dictator then quipped to moderate president Hamid Karzai and his Democrat-like minions "Go fuck yourselves. We Taliban will be greeted as liberators to the world as we make it safe for capitalism, fundamentalism, and oligarchy. Afghanistan has had too much of this liberal flip-flopping. I am a uniter, not a divider." He then proceeded to announce his candidacy in the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, adding "Giuliani, Romney, and McCain are all liberal, moderate flip-floppers who will lead America down a path of secularism, modernism, socialism, feminism, and abortion-on-demand. Support a real, true Republican: vote Omar!"
Although Omar has the support of GOP stalwarts like George W. Bush and Dick Cheney analysts foresee a lackluster campaign, as many voters will confuse the similarly terrorist-named duo of Omar and Democratic Negro Barack Obama. However, some hard-hitting FOXNews journalists have noted the fact that these analysts are ignoring the galactic power posed by Premier Cheney and believe that God's Own Party will continue to dominate United States politics well into the Millenium of Protestantism and laissez-faire economics following the Rapture and Armageddon.
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |