UnNews:Senator Larry Craig changes mind about resignation, sexual orientation

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6 September 2007

Sexually confused Senator Larry Craig, pictured here with his first love: Ronald Reagan.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced today that his previous decision to resign is "not final," and neither is his statement that he is "not gay." The republican has drawn widespread condemnation after revelations that he plead "guilty pleasure" to misdemeanor charges related to soliciting sex in a Minnesota airport bathroom. In a rousing and arousing speech over the weekend, Craig suggested he would resign by September 30th, but that is now uncertain. Before the guilty plea was entered, evidence of a semen covered shoe was found at the scene although, his lawyer, Johnny Cockram insisted, "If the shoe does not fit, you must acquit."

The Senator's aides point out that his cleverly crafted speech mentioned that Craig "intended to resign", not just outright "will resign," giving him room for leeway. The same is true of the Senator's statement about his sexual orientation. "I said that 'I am not gay' and 'I never have been gay,'" recounted Craig at a press conferences today, adding, "but I never said that I will not be gay in the future', which remains a distinct possibility." He also emphasized that as a staunch conservative, he firmly believes that sexual orientation is a choice, not something one is born with.

Craig explained that reading about the adventurous activities of closeted gays piqued his interest, and he may after all be interested in pursuing such a lifestyle. "Although I was merely scooting over in that bathroom stall, and tapping my foot to a tune in my head, Jiminy! I think it would be exciting to follow such innocent actions with a raunchy homosexual encounter." Staff say the republican is still considering his options, but also mention that the Senator "gazes into the TV with dreamy eyes" anytime the boyish police officer Karsnia appeared. Anonymous sources also report that Craig spent his Labor Day holiday "riding the mechanical bull at a local Boise gay bar."

Most fellow Republicans are distancing themselves from Craig, but certain party members refuse to abandon their dear friend. One such person is Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, who told reporters that "Larry remains a good friend of mine;" adding with a wink, "A very good friend, if you know what I mean." Meanwhile, the ethics committee is continuing its investigation, but is hampered in its interviews with the Senator, because as one committee member explains, "Mr. Craig keeps excusing himself to go to the bathroom."

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