UnNews:Secret riffs for royal stiffs

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18 March 2017

Is that the best you could think up?

LONDON, UK -- The British are prepared for all eventualities. Her Majesty is still in the running for making the Guinness Book of Records for longest serving monarch in recorded history, in spite of the head start of some kings or queens who went straight from the high chair to the throne. Yet this supreme honor may still be snatched from her still mighty grasp. The traditional absence of fuss must be preserved, and so code words have been devised that will be whispered in ears throughout the realm to forestall the unseemly bawling and self-harm that break out in the less civilized countries upon the passing of the big cheese.

It has been revealed that the sad news will be spread using the phrase, "Cup of cold tea, old chap?" Once spoken, those in the know will go about their business, sadder but wiser. The exact phrasing will of course evolve as the code phrase is repeated, and by the time it reaches Hadrian's Wall, it may well be, "D'ye fancy a tipple, lad?"

All channels of the BBC will immediately revert to dignified music as the news is cued up, except that, if a rerun of Black Adder is airing, it will be allowed to run to completion rather than leave viewers confused. If she buys the ranch during a cricket test, the match will be scrapped, and certain sporting fixtures will also be cancelled, with backers asked to brawl outside in the car park instead. If she leaves her mortal coil during a Parliamentary debate on Brexit, plans are for chaos to ensue, probably requiring yet another referendum.

Of course, family members may not pass away in strict order of birth, and another code phrase is ready to spread the news of any monarch-in-waiting who loses their place in the queue, so to speak. While it is still uncertain to which of the many hypo-royals this code is intended, it may prove a worthy challenge to those who attempt to decode it.

"The circus seems to have lost its clown, what?"

Exactly how these ultra-secret codes were leaked to the press is presently unknown, but there are dark whisperings of wiretaps, untrustworthy underlings, and Russian provocateurs, if not outright blabbing by certain members of the inner circle.

Sources[edit]

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