UnNews:Santa Claus to go next generation
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 19:20:59 (UTC) |
| Santa Claus to go next generation | 
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29 December 2007
THE NORTH POLE, USSR -- Santa Claus in an unprecedented move today, announced that he will go next-gen, what this means is that he will fire all of his elves and replace them with machines that will mass-produce hand made toys with 98% accuracy. (may not be estimated percentage.) Also introduced is the move of Santa's HQ to Denver, Colorado. Santa Claus says that "This will make productivity a step further, allowing for more gifts to be made at a quicker pace." Santa Claus will also buy large inventories of gifts from Wal*Marts everywhere which will decrease the need to buy gifts near Christmas Eve, allowing for more gifts to be made at a quicker pace." Santa Claus will also hire a guy to check who is naughty or nice, in which he stated that "Getting someone else to view the list will put less stress on everyone else."This means that Santa Claus will obviously have a lot of free time on his hands:
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What this means with me going next gen is that I will finally have more time to relax, you know what I mean. Going on vacation to Hawaii, taking dance lessons, even having some time to bring myself out for parties.
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What this obviously means is that he will spend a lot more time getting drunk, dancing in clubs and having sex with random hookers, then going home to beat his wife which lead to some comments from the media. When we approached Mrs. Claus, said that "His husband would never cheat on his wife." This statement would obviously be proven false as the paparazzi will obviously capture him drunk at parties. Many critics criticized the fact that the move to Denver, Colorado supports what seems to be a movement to spread Global Warming. Enviormentalists also hate Santa Claus for abandoning the North Pole in which they support the scientists prediction that in a few years, it will flood major cities, therefore proving Al Gore's point that greenhouse gases are bad for the enviroment. What also seemed to be criticized was the announcement that Santa wouldn't be checking who was naughty or nice. One child said "Santa isn't checking his list? Oh no, I'm probally going to get coal!" Many adults criticized the announcement saying "If we're trusting some guy to judge our kids, then won't the guy they hire cut corners? Cause my kid's been good all year, I don't want him to get coal because some guy is randomly choosing naughty or nice to every kid without even looking! What's he on?, crack?" Labor unions tell parents to expect a lot of undeserved coal this year. What were hit the most were the elves that were laid off when he was going next gen. A representative from the Elf Union had to this to say.
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We're very pissed that Santa fired us all, we've made millions of toys for him and he's paid us a reasonable sum of money but this decision has us scrambling for work. No one wants to hire us cutsies.
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Many elves relied on Santa for work that helped them get by their lives together by offering reasonable terms for work and pay. But with Santa phasing out the elves, many elves are struggling for work. Some of them have given up and become elves for fake Santas everywhere. Many elves have also sold out, wearing uniforms that promote such brands as Subway for which they will probably be beaten by teenagers trying to look cool. The condition of elves will probably degrade or worsen within the year, if the scientists are correct in determining the extension of the elves. Then magic will probably disappear forever and when that moment comes, nobody will care. More on this as exclusive information comes through our publicity department.
