UnNews:Ryanair completes first budget space flight

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21 February 2016

SS Wayne Rooney sits at Luton Airport while the cabin crew mop up sick, in preparation for the next budget booze cruise into space.

LUTON, England-- Airline magnate Michael O’Leary has announced the completion of Ryanair’s first budget spacecraft, the SS Wayne Rooney. The ship left Luton airport only six hours late, returning three hours later to set the bar sufficiently low to allow anybody to become an astronaut, from as little as £19.99 (subject to terms and conditions).

The touchdown of SS Rooney could signify the final whistle of the space race with rival billionaire entrepreneur Richard Branson, to develop a vehicle that can take doormen, hairdressers and ticket touts on short hops into space — for the same price as a round of Jagerbombs.

The maiden voyage also offered passengers the opportunity to purchase upgrades, such as sitting in ‘Linneker Class’ (which is basically forward of a curtain), a window seat, a seat, hold luggage, ‘delicious’ airline snacks by Walkers, and a two-for-one special offer on his-and-hers sick bags. The pioneer passengers described the flight as ‘bloody dreadful’ and ’extremely terrifying’ — which for Ryanair, marks a giant leap skyward in terms of overall customer satisfaction.

Soon-to-be famous basement DJ and part-time cannabis dealer Sean Thomson said: “The stewardess was a cow, shouting "a f***ing baby? Jesus wept!" at us when we got on. Sorry love, but how were we to know little Kanye would start screaming the moment the ship dropped like a stone off the carrier plane? I mean, he wasn’t the only one.

“Then, after the rocket fired, all she could do while it rained gold chains, iPods and baseball caps, was moan that it’s too dangerous to do the drinks trolley. Things really kicked off then, I mean it had been nearly two hours since we left Giggs’ Bar. I’ll be wanting compo for this.”

In mission control, Mr. O’Leary said the flight went ‘by the numbers,’ telling returning passengers that when the entire contents of hold floated past the window at apogee, to remember lost luggage was just part of the industry, in fact, almost a given. Likewise their catastrophic computer crashes at check-in, double bookings, and pilots leaving their microphones on while discussing how sexless their lives had become, since the space division decided to employ a stroppy old-boot and a couple of raging homosexuals as flight attendants. He also added that nowhere in the small print did it say passengers would be guaranteed to return to Luton as brown as a fire engine.

Ryanair is among a handful of companies, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, Paul Allen’s Stratolaunch Systems and Boeing (BA.N), planning to fly people in space. Building a vehicle that can safely carry humans to the weightless heights beyond Earth's upper atmosphere is a feat so far achieved only by NASA, Russia, China and Scaled Composites, none of which intend to sell giant sombreros and stuffed donkeys for the all important 'reveal' at the arrivals gate, or the gift of free scratch cards offering prizes of two-for-one meal deals at the J. D. Wetherspoons of their choice.

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