UnNews:Petrol price hikes to result in destruction of space time continuum "within days"
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 19:17:59 (UTC) |
| Petrol price hikes to result in destruction of space time continuum "within days" | 
|
16 June 2008
THE VERY FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME is expected to fracture as a direct result the recent petrol price rises seen across the UK, the The Daily Wail has reported this morning. Experts warn that a chain reaction may destroy the entire known universe unless Gordon Brown reduces tax duties on fuel with immediate effect.
Ray Holloway, of the Petrol Retailers' Association, said: "At this rate we won't know what is round, square up or down by the time we wake up for breakfast yesterday. We could end up living the same day twice, three times or not at all!"
"Gordon Brown needs to address this issue as a top priority or he may just wake up as a pig farmer in Aberdeen tomorrow!"
Signs that the laws of space and time were fracturing already became apparent when the shocking news emerged that American president JFK had been assassinated whilst attending the theatre next year. British Prime Minister, John Lennon, was also reportedly willing to surrender the Falklands to the Germans after Sir Francis Drake was defeated by Napolean in the Battle of Hastings next month.
Despite the warnings petrol retailers predict that prices may climb as high as 57p a gallon by the end of 1986. The prospect of such price rises raise the threat that Nazi Finland will invade Russia and be in Moscow "by Easter of last year."
Government spokesman Gary Dribble laughed off the warnings this morning, "this is yet another knee jerk example of scare mongering journalism, the chances of the space/time continuum fracturing are infinitisimally small. The fact that the combustible engine has not even been invented yet just serves to underline the fundamental flaw in this ridiculous hysteria that we will see tomorrow." However, London petrol bomber, Bill The Bottle, has stated his intention to "go nuclear" if the crisis isn't averted.
Ray Holloway, of the Petrol Retailers' Association, said: "At this rate we won't know what is round, square up or down by the time we wake up for breakfast yesterday. We could end up living the same day twice, three times or not at all!"
"Gordon Brown needs to address this issue as a top priority or he may just wake up as a Roman eunuch slave tomorrow!"
Signs that the laws of space and time were fracturing already became apparent when the shocking news emerged that American president Charlton Heston had been assassinated whilst watching Ben Hur at the cinema tonight. British Prime Minister, David Beckham, was also reportedly willing to surrender Jamaica to the French after Admiral Nelson was defeated by General Rommel in the Battle of Agincourt in 1677.
Sources[edit]
- DON'T PANIC "don't panic". AGGGHHHH!, June 16, 2008