UnNews:Pelosi institutes new rules for House

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:32:59 (UTC)
Pelosi institutes new rules for House UnNews Logo Potato.png

7 January 2007

(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Nancy Pelosi, prior to announcing her plans for her apotheosis

Washington, D. C. - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is wasting no time in exercising her newfound power as the majority party’s leader in the House of Representatives. Vowing to ram legislation down the Senate’s throats and the throat of President George W. Bush "in 100 days or less," Pelosi, who claims to know what’s right for all Americans, not just those in San Francisco, instituted new policies and procedures that, she claims, are binding on all members of the House and, indeed, on all citizens--except her.

She will reign over her peers with both a whip and the more traditional gavel that is associated with her office. “When I hit someone with my gavel, that means to sit down and shut up. The whip is for anyone who doesn’t do so or doesn’t do so quickly enough to suit me.” The new rules of order apply to everyone, Speaker Pelosi declared. “Some might have supposed that the new rules will not apply to them. Let me be very clear: they do.”

“Congressmen and women need to understand that I am authorized to mete out punishments to anyone who behaves in a disorderly fashion, and I am prepared to flog, dismember, expel, or execute any member who disagrees with my point of view or my agenda or who threatens to tarnish my public image.”

Before speaking, male representatives must bow to the Speaker and female colleagues must curtsey. When informed of this new requirement, both Rep. Carolyn C. Kilpatrick and Rep. Zoe Lofgren said, “We don’t know how to curtsey.”

Advised of their dilemma, Speaker Pelosi replied, “They’d better damned well learn, or I will hold them in contempt, and, believe me, no one wants to be held in contempt by me.”

The Chief Clerk will submit the records of each day’s proceedings for Speaker Pelosi’s approval prior to their becoming part of the official Congressional record.

Appeals to decisions regarding points of order shall no longer be considered, Speaker Pelosi said, nor will other members of the House sponsor, vote for or against, or otherwise be involved in creating or passing legislation. Likewise, she declared, “there will be no motions, no debates, no actions by committees or subcommittees, and no need for a quorum. My word is law."

Upon her entrance into the House, all will be required to stand and remain standing until she exits the chamber.

The daily order of business has been changed as follows:

1. Prayers to Speaker Pelosi.
2. Pledge of Allegiance to Speaker Pelosi.
3. Approval of representatives’ attire by Speaker Pelosi (a dress code has been issued).
4. Dissolution of standing and select committees by Speaker Pelosi.
5. Adoption of legislation sponsored by Speaker Pelosi.
6. Denigration of President Bush by Speaker Pelosi.
7. Representatives’ kissing of the buttocks of Speaker Pelosi.
8. Adjournment by Speaker Pelosi.
9. Speaker Pelosi’s approval of the Chief Clerk’s records of the day’s proceedings.
10. Toadyism and flattery of Speaker Pelosi by senior members of the House.

Her first act as Seaker of the House was to pass a bill that would outlaw the U. S. Senate [1].

Speaker Pelosi announced that her next official act as Speaker, following her coronation on Monday, January 8, 2007, will be to declare war on the executive branch of the federal government. She has called for the White House to be razed and for President Bush to be arrested and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, where he will be held without access to lawyers as “a threat to the security of this nation.” Once the executive branch of government is neutralized as a threat to her reign, Pelosi will attack the Supreme Court, before undergoing her apotheosis.

“Long live Queen Nancy,” Senator Ted Kennedy said upon hearing of the Speaker’s plans.

“Queen!” Sen. Hilary Clinton cried. “You mean Goddess, don’t you? The woman is a diva, a genuine diva.”

Despite their flattery, it remains to be seen, Pelosi said, whether Kennedy, Clinton, or any other senators will be allowed to live should they oppose her bill to eradicate the Senate.

Source[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Pelosi_institutes_new_rules_for_House&oldid=6188772"