UnNews:NASA hints at life in solar system

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 12:13:59 (UTC)
NASA hints at life in solar system UnNews Logo Potato.png

28 September 2015

Scientists think fifths of liquor could be replaced by tiny "nips" for that sunset cocktail if the Red Planet were proven to provide its own chasers.

HOUSTON, Texas -- The scientific community is buzzing as NASA hints at discoveries that may be the long-sought proof that there is life in the solar system.

Though America's space agency is keeping the news under wraps until Monday, scientists infer from the list of speakers at the conference that NASA will declare that Mars holds underground water. Doug McCuistion said "That would be highly enabling and might be the game-changing trigger." Mr. McCuistion, the former head of NASA’s Mars program, had a long career enabling new funding with rhetoric such as "game-changing trigger."

It remains unknown whether the Mars aliens are individualistic, pirates holstering game-changing triggers, or collectivistic: veritable bees, buzzing as loudly as the scientific community is today. If the latter, it may enable fellow collectivists in Congress to spend new billions to send a mission to talk to them to reinforce its preconceived notions — as though the statesmen didn't already bollix up the mission to Iran. Life on Mars would be a welcome distraction to the 2016 Presidential campaign, where Donald Trump is about to jump the shark, to use the astronomy term. It would be a key in the effort to change the subject from actually repealing Obama-care — as last month's news of a sudden, surprise heroin epidemic in the fifth decade of the War on Drugs has not caught fire. But Martian help deciding whether Tom Brady knew-or-should-have-known about the deliberate deflation of game footballs might inspire voters.

Chris Carberry, executive director of Explore Mars, which would receive a few of those billions, said it has long been known that Mars has water, such as in its ice caps and glaciers. But the news expected tomorrow would be the first that it exists underwater in liquid form. Carberry says, "This would imply some underground heat source — perhaps hot tubs or even Fryolators.®" Earthlings would be newly intrigued. Detroiters, for instance, would be anxious to know if Martian water has less of a brackish aftertaste than city water.

McQuistion said, "Water on Mars would simplify the design of Mars launches. If scientists conclude that it is already there and you don't have to bring it, that could save many metric tons and lighten the load for a spacecraft." All that would be lacking at that point are astronauts willing to tie their fates to such scientists — which, unfortunately, are becoming as hard to hire as veterans of Islamic suicide attacks. Christa McAuliffe was the last person to put her faith in NASA's risk-appraisal skills, and all that is left of her is a Planetarium.

Water that is seasonally flowing would increase the clamor for new missions to Mars. For example, most of the money flowing to Rand Paul would back Martian foliage tours if given that alternative.

Skeptics, however, continue to insist that there is no hard proof of intelligent life in the solar system.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:NASA_hints_at_life_in_solar_system&oldid=5907753"