UnNews:Mueller + Senate + House = 0
| We have met the enemy, and he is us | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 19:00:59 (UTC) |
| Mueller + Senate + House = 0 | 
|
23 April 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After the release of the Mueller report on whether Donald Trump colluded with that nerdy kid in the middle of the class who always has gum for his friends, US senators and Representatives have returned from their 6-week school holiday to continue to ignore it. Both Republicans and Democrats are taking carefully calculated naps and additional rounds of golf before continuing with the heavy work of attacking each other with strangely worded playground insults and off-the-cuff remarks. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) noted that "It's very hard to spin remarks for maximum effect and maximum donations to [their] slush funds." Pundits are guessing that politicians are boldly playing the stupid card as it is crystal clear that that is the quality that the public wants to lead their country.
After the report noted that campaign officials including Donald Trump Jr. were too dumb to know if they were breaking the law by contacting Russian officials, Trump Jr. proudly tweeted "TOLD YA!!!". Enlistment in the Marine Corps is also way up after the report's release due to the military branch's Gomer Pyle connection.
Republicans point to the long line of convicted and accused members of the administration and campaign officials that clearly show that any cooperation with Russia was part of a fraternity prank. They emphatically point to the stupidity of the administration all the way up to the top as noted in the Mueller report, making it so stupid as to be innocent as a newborn earthworm. They also affirm that the charge of obstruction of justice was impossible as the administration is unable to grasp the concept. President Trump has been so busy lately doing victory laps in the Oval Office and having Vice President Mike Pence explain Game of Thrones to him, that he has had little time to unleash the usual firestorm of tweets against his real and imaginary enemies.
Democrats meanwhile are more concerned with slapping down independent thought from lefty freshmen representatives than involving themselves in the rule of law. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has steadfastly refused to use the word "impeachment". She has been even more careful to not use the words "peach" or "mint", severly limiting the choice of desserts in the House dining room. "We must keep our dignity and not allow President Trump to call us a bad name or something so we won't be seen crying in public." Critics say she has not been the same since her spine was removed several years ago.
It is feared that Mueller used too many big words so that members of Congress have not been able to understand the Mueller document if they read it at all. Most senators and nearly all representatives had to be told that that a black bar meant something was redacted. Then they had to have the word "redacted" explained to them. By the time this was done, it was time for lunch and a nap. At the same time, an informal count was taken of US citizens who cared enough to read the report. While only 64% of the population was polled, it was found 12 people had read it beyond the front cover. "We're waiting for the movie. We can't wait until they announce who's going to play the black bar thingies," said a Georgetown resident.
The Man and the Illuminati were unavailable for comment at presstime.
Sources[edit]
- Milbank, Dana "Mueller’s findings: Too stupid to conspire. Too incompetent to obstruct.". Washington Post, 22 April 2019
- Kaplan, Rebecca; Gazis, Olivia; O'Keefe, Ed "House Democratic leaders urge caution on impeachment as members plot way forward". CBS News, 22 April 2019