UnNews:Jesus destroys Stephen Baldwin's life

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10 May 2010

Baldwin with new BFF, Evangelical Christian "Winky" the pig.

CRINKLE, California -- Loopy, Jesus-happy Stephen Baldwin has been reduced to a wretched state since being born again in Christ in 2001. Unable to get proper work since announcing his new-found love of the Lord, his "career" has been in a steep, downward spiral ever since. His brother Alec, of course, appears on the critically-acclaimed NBC sitcom "30 Rock" and has hosted Saturday Night Live a record fifteen times. Hell, Daniel was even on a few episodes of "Cold Case" last season. But Stephen? Nothing.

In 2002, a desperate Baldwin even participated in Celebrity Mole Hawaii, and was resoundingly disliked by audiences because his halo "made him look like he thinks he's better than everybody else."

A well-intentioned drywall contractor, who thought Stephen Baldwin was a building.

Fellow magical thinkers at the "Jumped-up Christian Fellowship Church" of Modesto, California have witnessed the trials of the least attractive Baldwin, and rallied in support of his cause. Pastor Montgomery Feltch compares his troubles to a certain Old Testament figure:

"In the Biblical story of Job, the man of God lost everything, and suffered immense trials and tribulations. Because of his faithfulness, God restored him using a mechanism we call token gifting. Small gifts given by all that knew him resulting in his complete restoration."

The D-list actor has become the focus of a program to restore his life from its current state of insignificance to its once-vaunted mediocrity. Pastor Feltch continues:

"Our first recipient of this restoration is actor Stephen Baldwin. Because of his bold stance for the Gospel, Brother Stephen has suffered immense hardships and financial difficulty. So we've built our first restoration project in Love for Stephen. To help him rebuild and experience Gods restoration."