UnNews:J.D. Salinger sues self

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, November 20, 2024, 13:23:59 (UTC)
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8 June 2009

A Biography of Salinger, due this fall by Miramax, which he doesn't want you to see, but oddly has not filed suit against yet.

CORNISH, New Hampshire - In a move that any who'd ever suffered through that piece of overblown crap "The Catcher In The Rye" could have seen coming years ago, J.D. Salinger has sued himself for "too closely resembling Holden Caulfield". In a lawsuit filed by his automatic lawsuit filing machine, he reported, "Having examined the shallowness, the hypocrisy and the general pointlessness of my rich, over-indulged and generally wasted life, I can't help but notice how closely it resembles the character I wrote of sixty years ago."

J.D. Salinger's suit does bring up an interesting point. The character Holden Caulfield was a spoiled kid who railed at people for having the same flaws as he did, who whined incessantly about minor crap, and who's problems were mainly due to his own self-imposed isolation and deliberate alienation of others.

"I noticed that I was often times over-idealizing youth and fantasizing about sex while being unable to follow through, like with a variety of young actresses that I wrote and stalked. Just like Holden's inability to sleep with even a hooker. Just like Holden's idealization of Phoebe.", said Salinger. He also admitted that his screaming from the rooftops, radios, papers and tv every few years, "Hey, quit looking at me!" is the principal reason that any have bothered to keep looking at him, an act of hypocritical pomposity that few characters in literary history but Holden Caulfield would be up for.

"My dabbling in every belief system from Christian Science to Yoga to Scientology...driving away all family and what few friends I ever had...obviously I just can't grow up, and am in as much need of an asylum as Holden was. I only wish that someone would get me the help Holden got. Especially as that would get me more of the attention that - of course - I don't want.", said Salinger.

It should be noted, especially amongst everyone in America over the age of 15 who has been forced to read his book by English teachers who were themselves forced to read his book, that everyone agrees with J.D. Salinger's assessment, and hope that he sues himself into oblivion.

"I've never read such drivel, some rich dip who can't get it up, and we're all supposed to identify with that? Oooooh, and he's such a rebel for thinking that adults are phony - while he lies to people for the pure hell of it? Did this shit fly in the fifties? How dumb were the readers back then?", said Heather Colgate, a sophomore at Reagan High School in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

In related news, Charmin has placed a preliminary bid for the body of unpublished work believed to be stored in bank vaults for no reason but the author's sad vanity. "We assure you," said Charmin CEO and former High School sophomore, "We will put it to the use that it so richly deserves."

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