UnNews:ISIS issues pay cut
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| ISIS issues pay cut | 
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18 January 2016
MOSUL, The Levant -- International terror conglomerate ISIS has announced a 50% pay cut for all warriors.
An executive memo issued from the ISIS stronghold in Raqqqa, Syria, noted "the exceptional circumstance the Islamic State is facing" and decreed the pay cut for all mujahideen. This circumstance would be the U.S.-led coalition's campaign to bomb oil fields and cash stores. Operation John Dillinger refocused the coalition's strategic goals, which had been to minimize carbon emissions, perform outreach to Islam, and avoid death, injury, and threatening work environments.
ISIS vowed to limit expenses in additional ways. Some of the mujahideen will be cut back to 29½ hours so employer-paid fringe benefits can be curtailed, or limited from full terrorism to simple scare-mongering, such as sneaking up behind victims and popping balloons.
The actions follow a coalition strike on the First National Bank of the Levant here that converted most of the month's payroll into confetti. The cloud of small bills relieved U.S. bombers of having to drop leaflets advising children on how to avoid the next day's bombing targets so as not to become embarrassing "collateral damage." The ISIS payroll is derived from U.S. foreign aid, U.S. oil purchases, and U.S. funds that U.S. "trainers" provide for Iraqi trainees before the latter throw down their rifles and run away from the battlefield. Aides to President Obama have suggested less circuitous ways for the U.S. to extinguish U.S. wealth, achievable in the President's final year using nothing more than "a pen and a phone." Substantial wealth was already extinguished just by having military lawyers sit around and negotiate what level of civilian casualties would be acceptable.
ISIS stands for Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, which Mr. Obama has stated has nothing to do with Islam, a religion that, in theory, would not have banks in the first place. No one accused the President of conducting war for crass commercial goals, as the non-partisan "War For Oil" protests that dogged George W. Bush have gone curiously silent, Code Pink has gotten grayer, even Cindy Sheehan is now pumping gasoline in Amarillo, and Mr. Obama himself got the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 for the years of non-violence he was about to wage.
Sources[edit]
- Lizzie Dearden "ISIS 'halves salaries for fighters in Raqqa'". The Independent, January 18, 2016