UnNews:Hypnotised student joins Taliban

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 20:54:59 (UTC)
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5 March 2007

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Derren Brown, tomorrow.

WANKERS-ON-FISHWIFE, England -- British Illusionist Derren Brown put a Roehampton University student into a trance and woke him up in Pakistan where he found that he had converted to Islam and had joined the Taliban in their fight against US and UK forces in Afghanistan.

Rupert Hawhaw, 21, found himself in a remote cave near the Afghan border after sleeping through a 3-month terrorist training and Islamic indoctrination camp. He stumbled out of the cave after being hypnotised during a stag night in Nottingham, England.

Rupert (circled) a few days before coming out of his trance.

After being hypnotised, Mr Hawhaw, from Wolverhampton, was given over to a local mosque where he underwent a full conversion to Islam before being whisked off to a training camp in a remote part of Pakistan.

Rupert then went on to serve with the Taliban in their ongoing battle against NATO forces. One Taliban commander was full of praise for the youngster, "he fights like a lion, though being ginger-haired, he is rather susceptible to the harsh sun we get here in the summer."

Rupert arrived back in the UK last night, still looking dumbstruck, "the last thing I remember was downing six Tequila slammers and chatting up some fat lass", he said last night, "the next thing is I wake up in a cave with an irrational hatred of the West and with the knowledge to strip and reassemble an AK-47 or RPG launcher blindfolded!".

Hawhaw was allowed to engage in operations against NATO troops for three months before Derren Brown let him in on the prank. Brown was unrepentant this morning, "Top that David Blaine you f#*king media whore!"

Rupert had answered an advertisement to appear on Brown's new show "I'm A Ginger Terrorist" on Channel 4 next month. Derren Brown recently announced his next controversial project, "I intend to hypnotise a sexy lady into giving me a blow job then taking it up the chuffer.".

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