UnNews:God denies causing disaster
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, November 23, 2024, 05:55:59 (UTC) |
| God denies causing disaster | 
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14 November 2006
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Today, in a late evening press conference, God refuted the accusations made by a group of top insurance companies following the events of the 11th of November this year, where a downpour seriously affected the South of England.
Background[edit]
A few days ago, UnNews nearly exclusively revealed the events that unfolded during the worst natural disaster to hit the South of England since about 3pm a few Tuesdays ago. Following this catastrophe of truly immense proportions, at least 119 people didn't have any problems at all, while 3 people lost a pet cat, 4 lost their budgies after they escaped from their cages only to be eaten by the aforementioned cats, and 9 experienced losses running into thousands of pounds each after thugs threw one shopping trolley too many into a local stream causing it to redirect along a nearby road of a small village. This, in turn, resulted in the flooding of the lower floor of a DIY store where undercurrents acted like a giant mixing pot before proceeding along the road and completely stripping the paint from the lower half of less than 12 cars due to a weak yet constant flow of paint-stripper in the raging trickle. The owners of these vehicles (and the relatives of a woman who was almost fatally injured due to slipping on a slightly damp doormat) remain very upset at the refusal of insurance companies to pay out due to the "act of god" clause contained within their respective policies. Each affected party is now involved in a claim of significant damages against God on the advice of one Mr. B. El Zeebub, a customer support agent working at an insurance call-center in Mexico. No conspiracy theorists currently agree that the New World Order has succeeded in pulling the wool over their eyes by bringing about Armageddon via the UKs civil law courts through the medium of car insurance.
"I was wondering why the price of motor insurance was so high!", said a non-motorist who'd wandered out onto the middle of the M25 in an effort to get to the other side.
Public backing for Insurers[edit]
In order to limit any further damage to his public image, the Lord called the press conference specifically to refute the claims made by the insurance companies, having been unavailable for comment at the time of the disaster. When asked of his whereabouts during the evening of the 11th of November, he gestured to his Lawyer who informed us that the lord was "amusing himself by spontaneously moving the waxwork figures around at Madame Tussauds, at one point placing Britney Spears' little finger up her nose." (Marie Grosholz (aka Madame Tussaud) is unavailable for comment at this time.) "How could He That Is Called 'I AM' have caused such an enormous disaster while otherwise occupied by such important work?" asked the Lawyer.
The invocation of the 'act of God clause' is supported by an army of advocates for 'intelligent design - a loosely supernatural concept that slightly resembles science. "Put simply," one supporter said after placing down her placard for a moment, "Some of those cars were two-tone, and there's nothing worse than a two-tone custom paint-job when the colourblind owner of the vehicle has no taste. It was an eyesore in the community, but now that those atrocities have been stripped of paint on the bottom half by the flood to a more monotone colour, the community is a whole lot better off. How could such a perfect solution of such complexity be the result of centuries of chance occurance? It is clearly due to the influence of some divine and supernatural being that was rightly offended by this truly awful sickness in our community."
In this particular instance, Darwins theory of evolution cannot refute the claims, allowing the advocates of Intelligent Design the opportunity to gain a stranglehold on the situation. Theory of Evolution advocate Richard Dawkins has attempted to talk some sense into the religious masses, but failed at the first cracker due to the opposing army of insurance lawyers nit-picking at his coveted words of wisdom.
Alibi[edit]
Indeed, the Almighty claims to have been visiting London from his holiday home in Portsmouth - a tardis-like castle made of sand that the almighty had parked on the corner of Tangier Road, only to be washed away by the monsoon. Asked why it was made of sand by the representative of the Building Regulations Advisory Committee working on behalf of the insurance groups, the Lord's lawyer cited a perfect defense. "The Lord works in mysterious ways" he said, further commenting that "The lord is in an enviable position", as he smiled gleefully. When asked to clarify this position, the 'all knowing' Lord looked quite rightly confused, as even the Lord seems to be unable to comprehend in human terms the implications of whole libraries of law books and years of precedent archived from both related and unrelated cases, due in no small part to the fact that "Mankind appears to have created this ridiculously complex system in my absence, with the sole intention of reducing unemployment by training lawyers. My answer is 42 - give or take a few, which roughly translates to human terms as 'ineffible'", He said.
Plan A[edit]
According to the Lawyer of the Lord, God will be able to defeat the army of misled people and the forces of darkness, thus winning Armageddon, through a simple defense. By disputing that he in fact was responsible for the disaster, the Insurance Companies are required to prove his existence in order to avoid payouts, which science is not yet capable of doing. Of course, one thing that hadn't been foreseen was that God was in fact speaking at a press conference, and his confirmed presence at two of the three scenes of crime does little for his defense against the armies of the insurers and intelligent design advocates.
This fact pointed out, Plan B was said to involve admitting fault. "Perhaps an oversight on the part of the insurers", God's lawyer said, "is that God is covered by quite a significant personal indemnity policy, resulting in greater payouts by the insurers to parties affected by God's 'mistake'."
Plan B[edit]
The lawyer for I AM continued... "As to the Lord's priceless tardis-like sandcastle holiday home, The Lord is also covered by a seriously big policy for all of his material possessions - It's important to be careful when you're responsible for the creation and maintenance of everything, and mistakes can happen sometimes" God was heard at this point to moan about something to do with hard work and creation, ungrateful children, smiting, no-claims and higher premiums. "God will of course be making a claim for his losses", continued the lawyer. "He can't stand by and let this sort of thing go unchallenged. Being God is a big responsibility"
"It was an act of God!", heckled a journalist that had never previously experienced a bolt of lightning enter through his head and exit through his bottom.
Accusations of fraud[edit]
"Of course", said the Almighty's lawyer, "This may result in fresh accusations of fraud, as mentioned by the smoldering charcoal figure in the back row, because it would be all too easy to suggest that this was an 'insurance scam' or an inside job. I would like to take this opportunity to assure startled Christians everywhere that this is not the case, and we are confident that such accusations will not result in us losing Armageddon. However, please bear with us over the next few centuries as we sort this whole complicated mess out. We're going to need some , ...erm, ...time."
Both God and his entourage left at that point, and have been unavailable for comment since. This is of course leading to wild speculation over whether or not God may have done a runner, leaving us insignificant mortals to our own devices. "You made your bed, now lie in it.", said David Icke, who claims to have been talking on behalf of his father.
The case continues...
Sources[edit]
- Seargent Pepper "Motorway Closed by Pedestrian". Gloucestershire Police Constabulary,
- A. Fish "Indemnity insurance for Acts of God". Evolvefish,
