UnNews:Fire breathing dolphins invade Florida coast

10 December, 2009

A Coast Guard officer shot this photo before he was brutally burned alive.

Sleepy Hallow Beach, Florida - An attack of fire breathing dolphins has rocked this Gulf Coast Florida town since late Tuesday. Residents of Sleepy Hallow Beach first reported what was thought to be a boat on fire, but when respondents arrived they were set aflame by a pod of fire breathing dolphins.

Captain I. C. Wiggaz of the Coast Guard vessel USS Schizoid reported his ship encountered the flaming dolphins around 11 p.m. on Tuesday. “They were just dolphins,” he said, out of breath, “but then they started breathing fire.”

The dolphins made their way up the coast, setting fire to a Toyota parked too close to the shore and ruining a morning lesbian beach wedding near Pass-a-Grille. “We were about to say the vows,” said Vic, groom of the bride, Kat, “when all hell broke loose. We had to run for our lives. I haven’t been so terrified since I saw a penis.”

Other reports up and down the coast area were that of local police attempting to put out what they thought were beach bonfires, which are illegal, only to be incinerated by the inferno disguising themselves as pods of harmless dolphins. Officers often try to quell beach-going bonfire loving dogs on bicycles consuming alcohol from glass bottles. "But this wasn't that," said Officer Iman Aszhole of St. Pete Beach.

Scientists are blaming the flaming dolphins on a late El Nino, believing the dolphins may have reached a boiling point from global warming.

“If this is the case,” said Dr. I. Dooworialot of the Marine Science Center in Clearwater, “this may be the beginning of incandescent sea life around the world.” Other scientists dismissed the claim stating the dolphins had consumed too many leaked fossil fuels from oil laden tankers. "You can only drink so much," said Dr. Hithere Youho, Ph. D. of global oil conglomerate Exxon. "Try eating a few million barrels of crude and see what you do."

The Coast Guard is keeping watch to see if any other incidents occur and encourage people to call in and report what they may think is only a psychotic hallucination.

Sources

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.