UnNews:Elizabeth Taylor's death leaves Elton John as the biggest dame in Hollywood

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24 March 2011

Elizabeth Taylor: About to climb on the roof to fix the guttering.

LOS ANGELES, California -- Hollywood is still in a fake Kleenex lockdown as Tinseltown mourns the death of legendary slapper star Dame Elizabeth Taylor.

The news that the star of films like Cleopatra, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and The Flintstones has left her fans shocked but will help boost the media slander industry. Stories about Taylor's lesbian romps with Marilyn Monroe, bedding every sober Welsh man in Cardiff and persuading Michael Jackson that he was beloved to the masses, can now be published without fear of lawyers.

Taylor's death has left a vacancy for the title Dame of Hollywood. Taylor held the title from the death of Monroe in 1962 and before then, this prestigious honour had been given to Mary Pickford, Katherine Hepburn, Joan Crawford, Lana Turner, Betty Davis and Liberace. Now it seems Elton John will be the second man to take the title and act as Hollywood's unofficial monarch.

In an ancient ceremony that probably dates from the 1990s, a courier was dispatched to Elton John's locally rented palace to inform him that 'The Old Dame is Dead. Long Live the New Dame'. John is said to have received the news in a bio-degradable dressing gown and will appear at Elizabeth Taylor's funeral as chief mourner. It is understood Simon Cowell was surprised not to be invited.

It's a sad day that Taylor has gone, blubbed a huddle of publicists but we are sure Sir Elton has got the right stuff to be this town's presiding Dame. He has been in effect standing in for Taylor for some years but now it is official. He also has the same shoe size as her as well.

Celebrities expected to go to Elizabeth Taylor's last great show will include people you thought were already dead, Charlie Sheen, a selection of young actresses who look good in short black dresses and the descendants of Lassie. No horse will be invited as Taylor never forgave 'the gee-gees' for chucking her off when she was filming National Velvet.

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