UnNews:Crack lowered, blacks celebrate

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17 October 2010

You will still get out of prison much, much sooner if you use this form. (Photo courtesy of Coffee-Mate.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Sentencing Commission revised its guidelines for prison sentences to bring the penalty for "crack" cocaine closer to that for powdered cocaine.

The disparity has long been a sore point with African Americans, because fast-acting "crack" is used more in the "black community," whereas the less severely penalized powdered form is used by whites, from jet-setters down to basement-dwellers. President Obama promised the 'hood he would equalize the sentences. (Also bring the troops home, close Guantanamo, keep unemployment under 8%, and make health care affordable.)

Under the old guidelines, the penalty for 5 grams of "crack" was the same as for 500 grams of powder. Happily, under the new guidelines, the disparity is only eighteen-to-one. Mr. Obama promised that, ultimately, he wants a black "crack"-head to serve only three-fifths of the time of a white coke-head. As with other laws, Washington will follow a policy of "Don't ask, don't tell" and will issue two dozen waivers so that large companies don't have to obey the law.

Mr. Obama admitted in his autobiography, Dreams of My Father, that he used to enjoy "a little 'blow'--when I could get it." However, this does not mean he is not a black President. You see, "crack" had not been invented back then.

The change in the sentencing guidelines will let a black man smoke "crack" without thinking whites are getting away with something when he is hauled off to prison. However, the change is temporary, and a permanent amendment must be submitted to Congress by May, or else it quietly returns to normal. After you have voted, after you have forgotten all about the issue, and after Congress has presumably gone under New Management.