UnNews:Crack Vandal Finds God, Begs For Forgiveness

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Monday, December 6, 2021, 17:33:59 (UTC)

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15 August 2006

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In between smoking crack and mugging people, the Crack Vandal contributes to Uncyclopedia.

WIKI CITY, Internet -- In a press statement earlier this week, Richard H. O'Crack, better known as the terrorist The Crack Vandal, has apologized for his actions against the Wilde Quarter of Wiki City.

"I realize now that my terrorist attacks against the Wilde Quarter were the actions of an insane man," O'Crack stated. "I want all of you to know that I'm sorry for all the damage I've done."

O'Crack then went on to confess to every sin he had committed since the third grade. Unfortunately, we have no audio because the correspondent from the Wiki City Times snored right into my tape recorder. Pity, too; most of those were quite interesting.

After his confession, Mr. O'Crack went on to say, "In my time in hiding from the five-oh, I rediscovered God. I know it sounds strange," O'Crack continued over the resultant peal of laughs, "but it's true. I got rebaptized and everything, and I've attended the Unglican Church every Sunday. I am appalled at what I have done, and I ask for your forgiveness and the repeal of the range curfew placed to block my actions. I will never do it again, with God as my witness."

Already a group of the top brass in the Uncyclopedian Army, the Recent Changes Patrol, the Ban Patrol, and just plain bystanders that got bored and stopped by have begun discussing the repeal of the range curfew. Most of the proceedings have so far been veiled by secrecy, but this reporter managed to get a few members of the panel to give their views.

"I'm giving him one chance. ONE," said a major who wished to remain anonymous. "If he blows it, then let fall the range curfew again. And I may personally introduce him to my hammer in that case."

Another major, who also wished to remain anonymous, stated that "he was crossing his fingers during that entire press release, and if I find that range curfew gone at any time, I will personally throw the remover into the brig."

While the fate of Richard H. O'Crack is yet to be decided, rest assured that UnNews will bring you updates as they happen.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.