UnNews:Congress fails its final exam

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31 May 2019

Mueller: "I'm very, very disappointed in you all."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced today that his class of lawmakers and lawfixers had all failed their exams in the U.S. Constitution.

Looking more hangdog than usual, Mueller brought together a class full of Congressmen and Senators to deliver the bad news. Not everyone was there or had been excused, as they were above the law according to a recent constitutional interpretation.

Clearly, none of you have done answered the question on the paper. Is President Donald Trump a man chosen by God and the American people? Or a common crook? Your homework was to read my report — including Book 1, Book 2, the appendices and genealogical tables about Hobbits. You are all a disgrace. Except one pupil: Justin Amash, who gave me a long essay on impeachment. Was this work too hard for you to understand? I thought the underlying question was very clear. Saint or Sinner.

What was that, Nancy and Chuck? You thought it was my duty to supply you with all the answers? Well it wouldn't be an exam, would it? And anyone who tried to cheat using Bob Barr's one page Post-It note about my report should have expected to receive an immediate fail. That includes you, Mitch McConnell.

Mueller finished his class. He refused to take questions from his students and walked out. Mueller was last spotted in the Grey Havens looking for the next Elvish boat westward to Valinor.