UnNews:Comcast fires Keith Olbermann for knowing too much
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| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:41:59 (UTC) |
| Comcast fires Keith Olbermann for knowing too much | 
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22 January 2011
NEW YORK, New York -- MSNBC host Keith Olbermann was fired tonight by his new and now former employee, Comcast, an American cable company with ties to hell itself. Just before capitalism's ax fell, Olbermann was given a few minutes to say good-bye to his viewing audience while armed henceman pointed guns at him "just in case he said the wrong thing", according to Comcast spokesman Glenn Beck.
MSNBC's other most-loved host, Rachel Maddow, issued a statement while looking over her shoulder, calling Olbermann's firing "morally indefensible". "Mission accomplished, ah, I mean, that's nonsense," said U.S. Congressman and Comcast spokesperson Michele Bachmann, who will take over Olbermann's show in the near future, "Keith just needs a long rest away from the grind of knowing too much in a country where that usually ends badly. He'll be back somewhere soon. Europe has lots of television cameras, and I'm sure they'll lend him one."
Olbermann, allegedly cable television's most effective former voice for progressive thought and clear-thinking, was led out of MSNBC's offices by security guards who had packed up his office while he was on the air. Babbling about the security guards being "the worst persons in the world", Olbermann was given the bum's rush out the front door of MSNBC's headquarters at Comcast Center (formerly Rockefeller Center). "Good night and good luck" the security guards told Olbermann as they threw him onto the pavement - along with the 15-million dollars remaining on his contract - just as the new party-line was being brought in from down the street at Fox News.
When reached for comment U.S. President and Comcast spokesperson Barack Obama, who put Olbermann on the "no fly list" immediately after the firing, assembled his teleprompter and announced "I've been told his firing has something to do with either the tides or his new zodiac sign. I am satisfied with this explanation. Now he belongs to the ages. Nothing to see here. Have you met my little dog Checkers?"
Olbermann ended his final show by reading a story by the old-time American humorist James Thurber in which a tough scrapper of a dog is porcupined by some kind of forest animal for "knowing too much". Comcast spokesman Dick Cheney denied that this was a metaphor, then sent some of his cable goons to find out if "this Thurber guy" worked at MSNBC.
Sources[edit]
David Bauder "Keith Olbermann leaving MSNBC, ends `Countdown'". Associated Press, January 21, 2011