Barack Obama's Teleprompter
Known for its intelligence, articulacy and class, Barack Obama’s Teleprompter is one of the most preeminent figures on the American political landscape.[1] Though its career has been (to this point) short, it is already considered one the most important teleprompters in all of history, and is widely held as being far more qualified than the previous President’s teleprompter.[2]
Barack Obama’s teleprompter has proven more than integral to Obama throughout—and even before—his presidency. It was a major factor in keeping Obama’s approval rating above 50% when he doubled the nation’s debt in his first eight months in office, and even today continues to perpetuate the façade that the President is a “good public speaker,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
Background
Family history
Barack Obama’s teleprompter comes from a long, prestigious lineage of note cards, cheat sheets, and crib notes. Its great-grandfather was Theodore Roosevelt's “Bull Moose” speech, which, in 1912, bravely remained folded in the ex-President’s pocket and absorbed a bullet from a would-be assassin at point-blank range. Though ex-President Roosevelt was almost completely unharmed, the speech itself was badly damaged, and rendered nearly illegible.[3] It was rushed to nearby Froedtert Hospital, where it died 24 hours later.
Other notable forebears of Obama’s teleprompter include what would have been Richard Nixon’s impeachment hearing testimony, what was Bill Clinton’s impeachment testimony, and the scribbled-on ballpoint-pen hand-notes Al Gore used to pass Ecology.
Personal and professional history
Barack Obama’s teleprompter was born to a colored teleprompter mother, a black-and-white teleprompter father, and was manufactured in Taiwan. As a result, the teleprompter’s reception was often less than warm in more traditional, conservative communities.[4] Controversy surrounding Barack Obama’s teleprompter’s past was so widespread that the then-Senator was forced to use note cards when he campaigned in Virginia and Western Pennsylvania,[5] lest his teleprompter be harassed.
During the Presidential debates, Obama’s teleprompter was relegated to the sidelines, and the would-be President was forced to rely on little more than dozens of note cards, hours of pre-debate preparation and knowledge of his own planned future policies. As a result, the infinitely more charismatic Obama had difficulty besting his agèd and borderline-senile opponent John McCain, despite McCain’s crippling disadvantages.
After the third and final debate, Obama was joyously reunited with his teleprompter, and the two continued campaigning throughout the Midwest, polarizing communities wherever they went. When the Obama-Obama’s Teleprompter ticket proved victorious on Election Day, the two made a rousing victory speech in Chicago with the help of Obama’s speechwriters.[6]
The Teleprompter today
Though Obama’s teleprompter’s most difficult days are behind it, it still continues to be a driving force in both national policy and—occasionally—political controversy.
The Teleprompter and healthcare
Barack Obama’s teleprompter is a staunch advocate of healthcare reform, and has worked tirelessly to both pass a new Bloated Healthcare Bill and ensure nobody ever actually reads said Bloated Healthcare Bill by explaining how said Bloated Healthcare Bill is good for Americans while simultaneously not explaining how said Bloated Healthcare Bill will be paid for. Truth be told, Barack Obama’s teleprompter hasn’t a fucking clue how to pay for the new Bloated Healthcare Bill, but it’s going to try and push it through Congress anyway.
The Teleprompter and the economy
Barack Obama’s teleprompter has tried desperately to resolve The Single Worst Economic Crisis Since The Great Depression. Normally, this attempted resolution takes the form of bailing out large banks, waiting a little bit, and then bailing them out again. Though this has yet to show any definite results, Obama’s teleprompter has yet another round of bailouts planned, should they be deemed necessary. Obama’s teleprompter, however, has yet to devise a means to bail out the national government’s mounting debt.
Rush Limbaugh debate
Early into Obama’s presidency, noted Conservative radio pundit Rush Limbaugh challenged the President’s teleprompter to a debate. While Conservatives lauded the idea, Liberal pundits mocked Limbaugh’s challenge, and stated that Limbaugh—with his brain and ability to articulate his own thoughts—had an unfair advantage over the teleprompter, which was just an inanimate object. MSNBC News host Keith Olbermann scalded Limbaugh’s challenge on his cable news program[7]:
| “ | This is just another instance of the great big evil vile acid-spitting hell-spawned Republicans picking on the proverbial little guy. The notion of a man debating a plate of glass is absurd, backward, and a mockery of the hallowed nature of fair debate. Before I move on to focusing the other half hour of my show to responding to things that Bill O’Reilly said, even though he doesn’t even mention me in his show, probably because his ratings are much higher, I must first stress to an absurd, redundant and frankly sad degree how I find Limbaugh’s actions to be silly, and what a totally ridiculous…ridiculous…umm…umm…it seems my teleprompter has broken…cut to commercial! | ” |
References
- ↑ Along with Barack Obama’s speechwriters and Ann Coulter's Adam’s apple.
- ↑ Which often had to scroll at half-speed and spell large words phonetically.
- ↑ As a result, Roosevelt had to improvise 90 minutes of talking points—it was this odd twist of fate that prompted Roosevelt to utter his famous “Bull Moose” speech quote: “FUCK!”
- ↑ Particularly in those that frowned upon technology.
- ↑ The second location being undoubtedly the most barbaric place on the face of the earth.
- ↑ In a video clip that is now well known on YouTube, a middle-aged black woman joyously proclaimed that every single one of her problems was instantaneously solved.
- ↑ The eleventh highest rated cable news show in its timeslot.
See also
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