UnNews:Catholic League endorses "Black Jesus"

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13 August 2014

Black Jesus says, "Come 'n' git it!"

VATICAN CITY -- The Catholic League has endorsed an evangelical program on Adult Swim Network that portrays Jesus as a Negro.

According to unbiased media titan Newsmax.com, the Black Jesus character "parks illegally, curses, smokes pot, drinks and hits on women." But League director Bill Donohue said the real Jesus never parked legally, and on marijuana, the jury is still out on the key question, "What Would Jesus Do?" — many ecclesiastical authorities opining that the intense-to-a-fault savior would have preferred coke.

The cable television program gives white enclaves of the United States, such as North Dakota and the jobs market, the first incisive vision into black culture since Nobel laureate Toni Morrison called Bill Clinton the "first black President" on account of his high level of misbehavior.

Mr. Donohue said the portrayal could actually lead some watchers to consider a more Biblical walk. Black Jesus, though depicted as the getaway driver for a drug deal, abhors violence and makes an atheist concede that there is more to him than what first appears, a notion once even applied briefly to U.S. President Barack Obama. "Drug deals, drunkenness, and mistreating women are just a Black thang," Mr. Donohue said, emphasizing that the Church needs to reach out and meet them on their own level, rather than moralize, if it intends to grow.

Presidential wannabe Jeb Bush noted that gang-banging thugs are merely "D.R.E.A.M.ers who love America enough to break her laws." Former President George W. Bush, who once criticized such statements as the "racism of low expectations," had no comment, as the two goldfish in his Dallas apartment are still fully occupying his time. There was likewise no outcry from the capital for "equal time" for TV programming that either portrays Jesus as a white man or portrays pimping and drug-dealing as misconduct.