UnNews:Castro's Brother Raul Liberates Cuba

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Tuesday, November 5, 2024, 07:21:59 (UTC)

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1 August 2006

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Frank Castro and his brother, Raul Julia, share many opposing views.

HAVANA, Cuba -- Cuba's Communist government was dissolved Tuesday, as officials moved quickly to dismantle the nearly 50-year-old dictatorship now that Fidel Castro is no longer in charge. A senior Cuban official insisted everything was "hunky-dory," despite Castro having handed over power to his brother, Raul Julia, prior to surgery.

Raul Julia, a former actor and now the island's acting president, was once thought to be dead. But he was apparently waiting in the wings for a chance to seize control of Cuba. Cubans are worrying about what comes next and exiles in Miami celebrated even harder than usual. Cuban dissidents kept a low profile while watching for signs of Raul Julia's stance on whiners.

"Everything's normal here — for the moment," said hospital worker Emilio Garcia, 41, waiting for a hooker at a Havana hotel. "Raul is a fine actor, and was very funny as Gomez Addams. He should be a good Presidente."

In Washington, President Bush expressed disgust over celebrations taking place in Miami's Cuban exile community, "vomit-provoking acts" he said were being led by "mercenaries, Democrats, terrorists, and way too many gays."

Meanwhile, Julia called on Cubans to unite and follow the example of Santa Claus, who "watches over every detail and takes measures to confront any enemy aggression."

The main newscast on state-run TV gave no details of the 79-year-old former dictator's condition, but ran a string of man-on-the-street interviews with Cubans wishing that he die a slow, horrible death, unless he somehow retains power, and in that case they professed their "unconditional support."

It was unknown when or where the surgery took place or where Castro was recovering. Rumors say it had something to do with his butt.