UnNews:Billy Mays fulfills triple death pact

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28 June 2009

TAMPA – The third shoe in celebrity deaths fell today when the wife of television pitchmaster Billy Mays found the body of her husband and a note explaining that the beloved loud mouth commercial performer died so he could fulfill his death pact with singer Michael Jackson.

Mays, who was 50, stated in the letter that he and Jackson shared a deep and moving friendship that the other kids just didn’t understand. To that end “Michael and I decided long ago that if either of us died, that the other would follow so neither would be alone in God’s lush Heaven.”

The overtly masculine Mays and the freakish boy man Jackson were an odd pair. Few even knew that a friendship had developed. Mays and Jackson met when Jackson began using one of May’s signature products – OxyClean – to whiten his skin.

”Michael had tried DD-Seven, but the color always returned,” said Jackson’s sister Janet’s best friend from a third grade pen pal program Vanessa Farouk of Nutley, New Jersey. “Michael thought that Billy was the most manish thing he had ever encountered, and he said Billy found him to be a like a little girl.”

“Michael liked being Billy’s baby.”

Mays death caps a week of celebrity losses that began when Farrah Fawcett died from anal cancer, then Jackson on Thursday and now Mays. Folklore claims that death takes three with each trip down Hollywood Lane. Needless to say, the rest of Tinseltown is breathing a sigh of relief this evening, content in knowing that no more will be called to heaven in near future.