UnNews:Big Bopper still dead

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8 March 2007

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KNOXVILLE, Tennessee -- UnNews has received confirmation from the FBI's X-Files unit that J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson is in fact still deceased. He, originally, died in 1959 in the plane crash that also killed Buddy Holly, Ricky Martin and tragically gave rise to Don McLean's career with the song "Candle in the Wind."

Ironically, in the Alanis Morissette sense (ie. not at all), rumor spread that The Big Bopper didn't die from the accident, but instead survived because Buddy Holly, a known vampire at the time, bit him during the flight and The Bopper was able to walk away from the crash site. Holly, on the other hand, was trapped by Ricky Martin debris, and was immediately staked by emergency personnel that first arrived on the scene.

It was rumored for many years that The Big Bopper would come out at night and molest small animals. Recently, it was determined that it wasn't him, but in fact former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, Newt Gingrich. The Bopper's son, Whopper Jr. ordered to have his father's body exhumed, defiled and then reburied in unsanctified ground, in hopes of proving his father's guilt.

Having his hopes dashed of any sort of scandal to get his 15 minutes of fame, Whopper Jr. had this to say, "I never knew my dad, but there has got to be one thing he did besides that stupid 'Chantilly Lace' song. God, I hate singing it, I hate hearing it, and the residuals on it suck horse cock. Thanks Dad, ASS!"