UnNews:Approach of Christmas brings increase in advertising

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Tuesday, November 30, 2021, 00:19:59 (UTC)

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8 December 2007

AMERICA, USA -- The approach of Christmas, the Christian holiday honoring shopping at Wal Mart and building impressive Neon displays in your backyard (though some claim it's about the birth of Christ--clearly they have no idea what Christmas is really about) has brought about a violent wave of advertisements in all aspects of the media. Of course, getting bothered by this new wave of advertisements can be easily avoided by downloading the latest version of Norton Antivirus--easy to install and complete with pop-ups detailing unimportant "updates" that pop up in your browser almost as often as spam!

But the new wave of advertising isn't just being seen on the internet (the internet where you can now download FREE PORN faster than ever at www.CUNTCUNTYCUNTCUNTCUNT.com/malware/94949399330404/FUCK/95949949393003/spyware=enabled/.html.php!!!!!!).

Getting bombarded with advertising everywhere you go can be quite tiresome, and can cause massive headaches. That's why there's ADVIL!!! Guaranteed to relieve all headache pain!!! Buy some today, and those migraines will be HISTORY!!!

Advertisements are surfacing everywhere in American culture, from product placement in television programs (such as Grey's Anatomy--new episode this Thursday! Don't miss it!) to telephones, where telemarketers are doing more business than ever this year, though 90% of iPhone owners have said that they forget all about their stressful times with telemarketers after buying their awesome, brand new, shiny, sparkly phone.

"I was so excited to have bought an iPhone, I forgot all about the stresses of being marketed everywhere I go, even the bathroom," says one man (in reference to a local restroom which has agreed to place miniature billboards saying "Damn, your penis is small, check out www.MAKEPENISZHUGEPLZSEX.com/SEX.html to learn how to make MASSIVE DICK MAKE WOMAN HAVE HUGE ORGASM, STICKY CUM FOUNTAIN OUT OF GIANT DICK MAKE WOMAN HAPPY" on the inside of urinals), "But with my iPhone, I'm so delighted with my life that I've forgotten all my troubles, even my electric bills. That's why I'm in the street. But I have an iPhone!"

Even journalism is no longer safe. "Advertising has seeped into every major American media industry," said one man at a protest to CNN's announcement that it would cancel all news shows the week before Christmas to make room for more commercials, "It's preposterous. You can't go to any television show, or to any website, without having some product pitched at you." He made this stirring speech on a cold winter's day, but thanks to his warm, personally tailored GIEVES & HAWKES suit (one of the over 80 varieties of suit that the company has reliably produced for over 200 years), he was pleasantly warm.

Similarly to CNN's cancelling of all news shows, many newspapers have reversed their formatting so that it is the advertisements that take up 80% of the space, and the articles that are crammed into small corners of the page. "Goodness, this is hard to read," said one citizen as she sat in her soft, warm, comfortable armchair furnished by MATTRESS WORLD, the world's finest custom furniture provider (and now having a major blowout sale! 30% off all merchandise! BUY NOW!!!!).

Many citizens find that all this advertising can be stressful. "It's kind of overpowering," said one woman in a subway on her way to work (though taking a subway was foolish--she would have done much better taking BOB'S DISCOUNT TAXI SERVICE--guaranteed to get you where you're going in ten minutes or less, no matter HOW many old women are run over on the way!!!), "It gives me a headache at times." Luckily, she was wise, and knew just how to deal with her headache: a bar of DOVE CHOCOLATE: The only chocolate in the world that can give women orgasms. It's available in over 80 flavors, and big news: this year, some of them are actually distinguishable from one another! BUY A BOX TODAY!!!! HELL, DON'T JUST BUY ONE BOX, BUY SEVEN!!!

This wave of Christmas festivity is not expected to abate until after Christmas day, which is the climax of the entire month of December, in which families gather around a Christmas tree and celebrate their gratefulness for K-Mart (except for that select group of warped families who celebrate the birth of Christ. The infidels!). After Christmas, the wave of advertising is expected to settle down. That is, at least until Easter.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.