UnNews:Americans invade 2008

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 18:12:59 (UTC)

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1 January 2008

Americans are not to be approached if sighted.

2008, TONGA - Another batch of Americans has very recently invaded 2008, a territory originally owned by the Tongans. The New Zealanders and Australians went into the territory, a few hours after the claiming of the territory, to warn the Tongans of a "possible American invasion," and were able to protect them for several hours. However, Americans from the 2007 territory could not be contained, and eventually broke in.

The invasion occurred at exactly 7:00pm, Tongan standard time. Tongans are known to be the first to see things happen, including the arrival of the 2008 territory at the very start of today, usually 13 hours before the English. It is believed that they own some time travel technology not available to countries outside the Pacific. This technology is believed to be able to shift other countries, and even fractions of countries, several hours ahead or behind Greenwich Mean Time.

A warning has been issued to all inhabitants of 2008 that Americans are not to be approached if sighted, and to inform their village leaders if they spot any American activity. Americans can be identified by wearing several layers of patriotism and a slight streak of illiteracy. Usually they wear red-white-blue camouflage. Whatever they are wearing, they are very dangerous. Do not attempt to deal with the Americans without military assistance.

The 2008 government will be holding a meeting at 8:00pm to discuss tactical approaches for removing the Americans, which unfortunately is when the next batch invades.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.