UnNews:Africa loses status as a continent

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, November 30, 2021, 15:42:59 (UTC)

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25 August 2006

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Teenagers and aging hippies the world over ask "Wait... there's, like, a continent that looks like Bob Marley? Is there, like, lots of weed? Weed is, like, so cool."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- CEOs have voted to strip Africa of its status as a continent. About 2,500 business executives and media moguls meeting in Washington have adopted historic new guidelines that see the large, densely-populated continent demoted to a secondary category. The state-sanctioned criminals said Africa failed to dominate the American news media in the same way as the other continents. The corporate decision means textbooks will now have to describe an Earth with just six continents anyone cares about.

Africa, which was discovered in 1985 by Irish rockers Bob Geldof and Bono, will be referred to as an "incontinent." There is a recognition that the demotion is likely to to have no effect on the public, most of whom had forgotten about the ex-continent by March of 1986. Bono, U2's frontman, and whore Angelina Jolie are reportedly the last two people on Earth who care about Africa, though Ziggy Marley is dimly aware of the existence of the "Dark Continent."

"I have a slight tear in my eye today, yes; but at the end of the day we have to describe the planet as we would like it to be, not as it really is" said Apple's Steve Jobs, chair of the CEO panel that has been working over recent months to define the term "continent." The need for a strict definition was deemed necessary after a new, U2-themed iPod failed to sell well in early 2005.

The scientists agreed that for a geographic body to qualify as a continent:

  • it must be larger than or equal in size to Australia.
  • it must be large enough that it takes on shape which cannot be made to appear like Bob Marley's face and dreadlocks on bootleg and licensed t-shirts.
  • it must be mentioned daily by Access Hollywood as a place visited by celebrities besides Angelina Jolie, Bono, or any Rastafarian.

Africans, meanwhile, too busy trying to eke out a meager income while living in a subsistince economy dominated by kleptocratic elite, were not available for comment, largely due to the fact that I'm refusing to go there. I mean, they've got AIDS, tsetse flies, malaria... it's just a horrible place. I can't believe I even wrote this article.