UnNews:Advertisers want refunds after Biden speech

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9 February 2023

Biden calls on a heckler to speak. Biden's speech is in the loose-leaf binder on the lectern; the 48-point text includes stage directions which, happily, he did not read aloud this year.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President Joe Biden's State of the Union address Tuesday drew so few television viewers that advertisers of everything from beer to fast cars are demanding refunds.

Americans responded to Biden's call for unity by dividing up and watching it on networks with commentators who would spit their own beliefs back to them — ABC for lefties, CBS for lefties, NBC for lefties, CNN for lefties, MSNBC for extreme lefties, and Fox News for whatever's left. Fox, Fox News, Fox Business, and Fox Basket Weaving got the lion's share of the mange, totaling 6.3 million of the total 27.3 million.

The figure is the lowest in forty years except for the 26.9 million who watched in 2021, which is arguably not a State of the Union address because Biden had just taken office and was not yet aware of the state of the union, which he arguably still isn't. Presidential Haitian Lesbian Spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre cautioned that the figures are low. "We still don't have statistics for the streaming audience. And the DVD is coming," she said.

Biden took credit for several marvelous enactments made in 2020, touted the great economic leaps in the third year of his Presidency compared to the end of his first, and celebrated recent jobs numbers. Indeed, Jean-Pierre said, many Americans might not have been able to watch the speech if they were at their new second jobs.

Biden repeatedly said, "Let's finish the job!" as, indeed, Americans are still leaving tips on restaurant tables and sneaking adjustments on the home thermostat to try to get comfortable, without federal oversight.

The obligatory rebuttal was given by Arkansas governor-elect Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was sat in a plush armchair down home and fighting off drowsiness even harder than her still-smaller audience. She said Biden was the "choice between normal and crazy". That would make her an Election Denier, as the voters decided this exact thing over two years ago. Republican Congressional leaders had no comment on her speech, as they mostly want the former Trump spokeswoman to go away so they can avoid "social issues" and log-roll in tranquility.

Viewers in a CNN poll declared after the CNN broadcast that Biden's CNN speech left them feeling "deliriously happy". However, most of these are way past the "core demographic", ages at which television viewers actually buy products other than pain relievers and suppositories, as the President has been too for this entire century.

Biden did have decent viewership for the 2022 speech. But advertisers in the 2023 edition are demanding "make-goods". The Advertising industry never gives refunds, but does offer free placement on another broadcast to make up for lack of eyeballs on the original, the best way to achieve penetration after a failed first overture since Viagra. Thus, Biden is likely to make another State of the Union address within a month. This would mark the second such speech in a single year, another first for Biden. A dozen State of the Union speeches per year is not out of the question, given that every new day for Biden could be the "last-minute rush".