UnBooks:The Life And Times Of Benjamin Disraeli

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William Gladstone attempting to sell copies of his pamphlet to the thronging masses. (Houses of Parliament - 1882)

The Life and Times of Benjamin Disraeli is an historical pamphlet written by W. E. Gladstone documenting the life of his close friend and political rival Benjamin Disraeli.

Here it is in it's entirity:

"Once upon the Tyne there was a hideous group of vile pagans known as the French. One of these Frenchmen was a certain Isaac D'Israeli, who, aside from being a vile, filthy Frenchie, was also not a protestant (or even, hold you're disbelief, - and please ask all ladies of a nervous disposition to leave the room - a Christian). Now, in 1806 this vile, filthy man, who was probably a pervert as well, came to live in England with his vile, filthy, perverted two year old son Benjamin (who, like many Frenchmen, it was alleged, was a chicken murderer). Moments after landing at Dover (having been thrown across the English Channel by a vile, filthy, perverted, chicken murdering, wine taster called Thrower d'Person-thrower, the strongest man this side of his left side), Isaac was arrested by British customs under charges of being a vile, filthy, perverted, chicken murdering, wine tasting, cheese eating Frenchie. He was executed, as was a traditional English law, by being forced to eat an entire grove of Dover cherries. Then he was shot.

His son Benjamin, however, escaped and lived out his vile, filthy, perverted, chicken strangling, wine drinking, cheese eating life for the next ten years living in Lord Melbourne's duck pond, breaking cover only once every five months, in disguise as an apple, to buy a copy of the satirical magazine "Barrel-Manufacturer Monthly". At the age of twelve, this vile, filthy, perverted, chicken strangling, wine drinking, cheese eating, pond-dweller left his pond to become a member of Parliament. First, to disguise his hideous religious beliefs, he converted to Christianity (the ladies may now return), cunningly changing his name beyond recognition by dropping the apostrophy and changing the "I" from uppercase to lowercase. He also cunningly altered his accent through the new and controversial aversion-therapy method of "great big dirty mallet - to - head therapy".

Now almost unidentifiable as a vile, filthy, perverted, chicken strangling, wine drinking, cheese eating, pond-dwelling, self improving Frenchman (especially after his cleaner shrunk his favourite t-shirt baring the legend "Kiss me, I'm a vile, filthy, perverted, chicken strangling, wine drinking, cheese eating, pond-dwelling, self improving Frenchman"), Disraeli turned his attention to politics. However, having received no formal education in the pond - other than how to convincingly say "I am a duck" - Disraeli couldn't hack it (unlike some). After a brief flirtation with the crazy, far out dream of making himself lemon-flavoured and allowing the aristocracy to lick him for money, Disraeli wrote a story about some almonds or something, I dunno, I never read it. Anyway, it got published and he became a poncey novelist.

During this period, Disraeli worked on self education - although some subscribe to the more rational belief that Disraeli spent much of his time working as an aide to grave robbers Burke and Haire, in return for the brains of the more intelligent corpses who's knowledge he would absorb in some sort of sinister act of malevolence. By the 1830's, Disraeli was elected to Sir Robert Peel's Tory party, under a pledge to steal the suit George Canning was buried in. However, when Peel refused to allow Disraeli to join his cabinet, claiming that he preferred strawberry flavour, Disraeli joined forces with George Bentick (cheese and onion flavour) and brought down Peel's ministry, during the turbulent Corn Jaws crises, by drawing highly insulting, treasonous and realistic cartoons of Peel and Queen Victoria in the M.P's toilets in the House of Commons. Peel bucked politics in 1846 after his Government fell, then fell in 1850 after his horse bucked him.

The novel The Life And Times Of Benjamin Disraeli is also available in paperback.

There followed a generation of Liberal rule, during which Disraeli suffered a mid-life crisis, bought a horse called Harley Davidson, and left London to pursue a career in highway robbery. This was interspersed with a considerable spell stood up to his waist in Bentick's fish pond. He was forced to leave the pond in 1848 when J.A. Walker, an up and coming crisp entrepreneur, accidentally ate Bentick. Returning to London in 1865 upon hearing that Liberal leader Lord Palmerston, scourge of the French and author of the award winning pamphlet "What-ho Darkie", had very much exploded, Disraeli took up the reigns of the Tory party, after having pointed out that his predecessor, Lord Derby, was actually a china tea cup. This, for many historians, is evidence to the reason why the Tory party had not been in power for 18 years.

As leader of the Conservative party (the party was forced to change their name when the progressive nineteenth century rock group "Terry and the Tories" threatened to press charges) Disraeli had a brief spell as Prime Minister in 1868, when they were elected on the stand to kill King Richard III. The Government was overthrown 37 seconds later when the electorate remembered that Richard had been dead for some 405 years. Now began a period of Liberal rule often referred to as "England's finest period of Parliamentary rule" by historians (who's last names are Gladstone). Disraeli made a complete fool of himself during this period by attempting to use reason, logic and wit against the infallible Premier (All Hail Gladstone and his glorious regime! Those who oppose shall be crushed underfoot).

When Gladstone became bored of being Prime Minister in 1874, he intentionally annoyed every influential group in England and Disraeli finally came to power in his first substantial period of power, a 6 year ministry in which the vile, filthy, perverted, chicken strangling, wine drinking, cheese eating, pond-dwelling, self improving git virtually managed to nick every important nation on the globe, including the Suez Canal, Africa, Asia, America, the Moon and Luton, re-establishing the British Empire. He also created legislation to have unfit slum accommodation torn down and replaced with starbucks and, to stop unscrupulous ship owners intentionally overloading their boats so as to claim insurance, all ship owners were shot just in case. He also demanded that grass should be renamed "pointy-mud".

However, after his entry to the House of Lords, the evaporation of his wife in 1876, and the return to politics in 1878 of the MIGHTY GLADSTONE, Disraeli's career seem to run out of steam (even Lord Salisbury's suggestion to fill the cabinet with kettles proved unsuccessful), the ministry fell in 1880. His later activates included dying and being buried."

The account has been widely accused of one-sidedness, though which side is unclear.