UnBooks:EBay Buyer's UnGuide

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The novel EBay Buyer's UnGuide is also available in paperback.


The Genius Critic

This guide is one of the worst guides about buying on eBay I have ever seen. You should probably go to a bookstore and buy one of these eBay buying guides (except much better) for $199.99 at a major bookstore.(even though this is free.) The author makes it so STUPID! I would stop reading it NOW! With hate, Ronald McDonald


Hi, I am an annoymous person, you may call me Jeff (that's NOT my real name) If you have no clue what eBay is you either A.are Amish B.Don't own or never have used a computer C.Are an alien just arriving on earth reading this. D.Are living in poverty and can't buy anything or E. Have less intelligence than a monkey with severe brain damage. If you fall into one of those categories (especially E) eBay is an online Internet auction site where you auction things, or you can buy things from some con you don't know for really expensive. Or changing for the people that fell into the E category, on eBay, you buy things, okay. You use money to pay for the eBay things. With me so far. No, on eBay you buy things, okay. You use money to pay for the eBay things, with me now, WHAT!! YOU'RE NOT!! JUST READ THAT AGAIN, TWICE!!! WE NEED TO MOVE ON, IDIOTS!!! Sorry for my language. With the advice in this book, you will learn how to avoid good deals and find wonderful scams. So if you did not fall into any of those categories, hop on to the actual worthless piece-of-rubbish book, if you did, either A.Read that intro until you strain yourself. B.Return this book for a complete 100% refund, oh wait, you're reading this free on the Internet, so you can get rid of that option. Wait, we'll do that for you B.Return this book for a complete 100% refund or C.Shoot this horrible book with a shotgun, oh this book is on the Internet, so if you want to choose C, shoot your whole computer. Well for those familiar with eBay, here is the rest of this book, and the unfamiliar that decided to continue. We will answer some of the biggest questions about eBay.

The logo of the online site this book is about, for you option E. People

Why should Humanity have eBay?[edit]

All humans are sinners. Some of us have greed so bad, we need a way to make money, so those people that sell on eBay want to get loads of money from people that buy or want to buy, people reading this book, for example. So it's a fair trade, the Sellers get richer with money, and we get broke, and a whole bunch of crap we don't need.

So Why Should We Buy?[edit]

eBay is the world's largest junk extravaganza. If it's junk, it's on eBay. We as buyers think we need junk we don't. So we pay these con-artists fortunes for their junk they just want to discard. It is most of the time, more expensive than retail. Let me think, oh! A Monopoly board game, $10 on retail. The average eBay price, $50. $500. Which should you pick? Daunting, isn't it? You should buy it on eBay because you are helping con-artist auctioneers, rather than big corporations.

Before You Start Buying[edit]

There are several risks involved in eBay such as:

1.Finding good deals

2.Helping non-con-artists

3.Not giving out your credit card number

To avoid these, you should NOT buy something less or equal to or 1-60% more than retail, and you should NOT go on pages made by any religious people, (most non-religious people are con-artists.) and you should NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT use PayPal.That is the WORST thing you can do on eBay!!!

Finding Junky Junk on eBay[edit]

You should type in very vague item searches on eBay's main page search bar, oh for the E. option people that followed, eBay's on a computer, a computer you play with and buy things with. With me, No, eBay's on a computer, a computer you play with and buy things with, with me NO, YOU IDIOTIC MORONIC IMBECILES NEED TO LEARN, EVEN THE AMISH AND ALIENS ARE LEARNING, BUT NOT YOU STUPID DUMBBELLS!!!! Sorry for my explict language, that probably scared them off. So look at every item of your vague search, and read ALL of the info for each one. You might find some Junky Junk soon. (In a few years.)

Spotting And Helping eBay Scammers[edit]

Believe the media, fraud is a HUGE problem help on eBay. 99.99% of all eBay sales are fraud! Yay! We live in a great world! Here are some of the frauds you should avoid look for.

1.Baltant Fraud:The seller offers items he/she does not have. You send your money and get nothing. Yay! We helped a con! Hip Hip Horray!

2.Condition Exagguration:A person lies about the condition and you get a broken piece of junk! YAY!!!

3.Fraudulent terms: The same as No.2 but lying about the rarity rather than condition.

4.Stolen Funds: Where we the buyers, use someone else's funds! Yay for robbing other people of their money!

Untrue Statsistics[edit]

There are 4 of them. 100% of these statistics are untrue.

1.eBay claims to have 25 million users. But they actually have 50 million due to some people having multiple accounts. eBay does not count those, but they should, that lie would make them better.

2.eBay sellers pay $213.7 million a year to eBay. eBay gets$731.2 million NOTHING from the buyers. So they hate their buyers, do not care about them, want to kill them, want to sell them on their site, and want to send them to Iran to die a horrible death.


4.Please stop bugging me, there are no more!

Avoiding Going into eBay scams[edit]

These are ways to hurt help people with 5,000 times less intelligence than Forrest Gump. (The readers of this book)

1.Buy stuff without images. This makes sure you will not get the item.

2.Buy things that have professional photos on them, those people have tastes!

3.Don't check the user's history. Do something better, like playing a game of Pac-Man.

4.Don't check the user's feedback. Do something better, like playing a game of Pac-Man.

5.Don't check the seller's other auctions. DO SOMETHING BETTER, LIKE PLAYING A GAME OF PAC-MAN!!! DO IT!!!

Other Notes Of Un-Interest (Don't Read Them)[edit]

For those of you 2,000% less intelligent than a working crashed MS-DOS computer that disobeyed my command NOT to read this, here is some more info. Don't care about the return policy, keep everything you get. Read the ad over 10 times, but don't pay attention to the tone. If the item is valuble, just buy it, even if the seller is pretending to say it's valuble. Don't care about you're willing to lose, JUST LOSE! We need to help others! ALWAYS leave negative positive feedback, no matter how unsatisfied you are with your product. If you were ripped off, don't blame eBay, it was your own stupidity genius! Never bid-snipe. (For the mentally challanged, the readers of this book, that means to bid during the last few seconds of an auction.) This is unfair to the other bidders and the seller. Only nice mean, considerate cruel bidders do that. A final bit of advice, eBay is a great place fo paying people for cool scams and occasionally junk for you, so if you see something you want, get it right there. 99.99% of eBay stuff is uncommon! THE END

Editor's Notes (Unimportant)[edit]

"Jeff" is an extremely lazy bum. He wrote the rough draft, I edited it and he left it, how inconsiderate. So hope that didn't bother you. So hope you enjoyed "Jeff"'s book.

Notes of UnInterest: We don't have an editor and the striked words were added for comedy. Jeff is NOT a real person for those of you that are so dumb that you haven't figured that out yet.