USB ports

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“They cost HOW much?”

~ Oscar Wilde

USB ports are a vital part of the modern computer. While their size and shape has changed over the decades as fashion dictates, they are today found in CPUs, where they are valued for their ability to dispense French fries and gold coins. USB stands for Universal Sexy Boobs.

History, Changes, Uses[edit]

The first known record of USB ports came in 1931, when top British explorer George Washington found some growing breasts at an unprecedented rate.

But when WW3 came wrapped in a brown paper bag, many fields of USB ports were left abandoned while the farmers went to Continental Europe to fight the evil bloggers. While USBs were planted in Hitler's moustache when he wasn't looking, some other ports were taken to the Bad Lands (found outside Room 12). This area would be the centre of the earth's USB port growing industry for the next 40 years.

While the earth suffered the catastrophic effects of somersaulting while producing a long fart in the late 1970's, the founder of disco, Ali G, announced he had received USB implants. When the US First Spanking Bitch John Howard announced that he had received them as well, they became all the rage and were soon found on many celebrities, from Pamela Anderson to Jordan to George Lucas. However, when it was found they leaked national security documents into the body, causing haemorrhaging and even death, many such celebrities had them removed.

They were first installed into computers in 1999 and have been used up to this present day. Many computer have up to a dozen USB ports, each dispensing a different variety of french fries (normal, extra-crispy, curly, cheese, hot, etc) and gold coins (ducat, drachma, tetra-min, etc).


In 1987, experimental ants spontaneously built USB ports when left alone in a small box with nothing but copper wire and a copy of Seven and the Ragged Tiger by Duran Duran. This probably does not prove that there is a God.

Quantum physics and the USB[edit]

Quantum physics governs the orientation of a USB plug. Typically the user tries to insert the plug, which won't go in. The user then inverts the plug, which still won't go in. He then inspects the plug to determine which way in it goes and then inserts it. It goes in.

This is because the USB is in an indeterminate quantum state until directly observed. Prior to being observed, its state is between the two quantum states, known as wrong way up and wrong way down.