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Contrary to popular belief, Tulcea is in fact a country located in the east of the north of Romania. Some may say that it is a crappy town, village or lower, but it is an enclave with its size similar to Monaco, but with the technical development of Burkina Faso. Being so small, yet it holds 100.000 people (of which half never left the country or even their homes).


A map of Tulcea.

Situated on 7 hills, like Rome, but with less Italian guys, except in the summer, when the “Italian migration” occurs when all of the Tulcean emigrants come back to their relatives to show off with their second hand cars. Anyway, the city (we’ll refer to it as city since country has more letters) is crossed by the river Danube, which represents the northern border to Ukraine, not proper, but everybody seems to speak their language. The big T wasn’t always such temperate weather looking like, in ancient times when dinosaurs and gypsies roamed the earth; it had a tropical weather with money growing from the trees, explaining the gypsies need for money. Once the glacial era was installed by some unknown hacker, dinosaurs perished leaving the gypsies to evolve freely. In 4000 BH (before humans) the glacial era was stopped by an antivirus called Anti Freeze Deluxe-30 day trial version- (popular name: antigel).

The actual climate sucks for all reasons, in the summer it’s too hot and people go in the Danube to cool off and usually drown because of their own stupidity, and in the winter it’s too damn cold and people hang themselves from the ceiling lamps when they see the bills. So the climate in this area regulates the population, sterilizing the weak.

Earthquakes do occur here often, because it sits on 2 tectonic plates that move away one from another, this way, the big holes in all the roads in Tulcea can be explained. Curiosly though, while earthquakes are pretty strong (9 on the Richter scale), no one is injured, Tulcea has a few blocks that reach 20m, the rest are as good as flat. Such disasters happen and tsunamis are a tourist attraction here, people flock each year on the “faleza” or “crappy pavement” to see the 2-5 inch tidal waves. Due to this natural phenomenon, the cliffs (faleza) need to be reinforced yearly with tons and tons of concrete walls. It was discussed to stop the Danube from flowing by bribing some rangers in the Schwarz Wald Mountains (in Germsmany) to stop the flow by reinforcing the dams with beaver poop, but they were drunk and put their own poop, not being so consistent the dams broke and a huge flood of 1 inch was registered in 1977 or 8 (the daylight savings were random and changed the clock with an year in that times).

The weather in Tulcea is getting awkward by the year, in the last decade since the communists left the power to the democrats; tornados hit this area frequently taking away cows. In 1995 there was a cow crisis and people ate dogs and milked cats as an alternative.

The flora is ripe with apricot, plums, grapes, but they aren’t eaten, the ingenious people found another use for them that is apparently better. It’s a revolutionary technique of preserving the fruits using distilled alcohol, thus resulting in tuica or wine. This exists for centuries, without it, Tulcea’s economy would be grounded, people would die of thirst and angry housewives won’t have anyone to exercise their “cooking pan in the head high kick” upon. The people of this area have an exquisite taste for flowers; all of the flowers are concentrated in public places where gypsies sell them for outrages prices, since they stole them from the huge fields of opium in the south. Traveling in the east towards the Black Sea, in ancient times it was called the Blue Sea, but recent naval activity and garbage thrown with no apparent reason in the Danube made the sea change it’s color to black, it’s so filthy that fish learned to fly to escape it. Here is a valuable tip by an expert: when going to fishing be sure to take a 12mm shotgun with you. Back where we were, in the west, or east, forgot you can find massive plantations of opium and cannabis. It is public property, so anyone can go there and fly back home. In fact, the cannabis is so well known in Tulcea, that in high schools they teach teenagers how to dry and portion it and as an optional course how to make opium out of poppy (also known as quack!).

Fauna is represented by small parasites that eat human dirty skin, cows are a monument of nature since 1995, so people venerate them like in the Indian culture, but they must obey the same traffic rules like humans do except wearing a seatbelt. Flying fish, two-headed ducks and how can we forget about the giant garbage rat. This last creature is part of the Tulcean tradition, sort of like Bigfoot in the Commonwealth of Kentucky or Yeti in the great Mayan Mountain Chain. 2m tall, it is said to be extremely agile and local authorities included it on the most wanted criminal list since he eats most of the garbage and the government doesn’t tolerate this kind of behavior. Some people said they own a garbage rat, but since the wages were low for consuming the garbage (laziness is a national sport here), they were starting to be against the human tyranny, so they organized a revolution. Retreated in the sewers of the city, some say they are long dead, the sewers being periodically flooded by the secret service to eliminate them.