The Ten Plagues of Egypt

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“Rumor has it I was the sixth one”

~ Charlie Brown

The Ten Plagues of Egypt represent the ten times that God pimp-slapped Pharaoh for messing with his top bitch, Moses.

They occurred when Moses asked Pharaoh for a group exit visa from Egypt for the entire Jewish nation. After each plague, Pharaoh agreed, but lost Moses’ paperwork. The cycle would then begin anew, until finally the forms were processed.

The Ten (10.2) Plagues[edit]

I: The Plague of Squeaky Floors[edit]

God weakened floorboards everywhere, causing them to groan horribly. (ooooohhhhh uuuhhhhhh)

II: The Plague of People Who Won't Stop Quoting Douglas Adams[edit]

42? Huh, yeah, I think I may have heard that one.

III: The Plague of Anagrams[edit]

Teh hdtir pgulae fo Tegyp asw agmasran. Ccdgnroia ot hte Ibebl, eht sdut fo hte ahter mbeeca nyam mrgasana whhci the Yiaegpstn ocudl ont teg ird fo.

IV: The Plague of Fairies[edit]

Actually more of an annoyance than an outright plague; every Egyptian boy between the ages of seven and fifteen were each temporarily foisted with a small fairy from the Black Forest that kept pestering them about stuff that they already knew about.

V: The Plague of Oprah[edit]

The Bible says "And a great shape didst arise and blot out the sun and eat up a third part of all the cattle, and the people of Egypt were sore afraid, especially Frankie Imhotep who wet his pants. And the LORD looked upon the Oprah He hath created and was pretty bloody sore afraid Himself." (Deuterium 16:5-7)

VI: The Plague of In-jokes[edit]

So then Pharaoh wrote the letter D on a piece of paper, drew a circle around it and then crossed it out (ROFL)! Well, I guess you had to be there.

VII: The Plague of Gatorade[edit]

Even today, theologians aren't sure just where God was going with this one. The Bottles found in the Nile Delta are considered the most disgusting drink ever conceived. All Egyptian water turned to this vitamin-filled nutrient-lacking drink. Unfortunately, the Egyptians were in their homeland of China at the time, so the Chinese emperor stole the drink and kept it for some time. Its return to the vending machines of today is a sure sign of the Intermission Times .

VIII: The Plague of 1337 hacx3rs[edit]

Again, God got a bit ahead of his time, but the 1337 haxx0rs did manage to deface or blank many hieroglyphs. Even today, Egyptologists are finding segments of the Book of the Dead with the phrase "U R a fag! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!" scrawled across them.

IX: The Plague of Darkness[edit]

The Lord kept the land of Egypt in constant darkness by shooting out the street lights, causing rickets, Goths and a gang war.

X: The Destruction of All Things Necessary for Life[edit]

God sent down a piece of land the size of California to crush the Egyptian Walmart superstores in China.

X.2: George Dubya Bush.[edit]

Bacon grease and fire don't mix. Molasses should never be used as a lubricant. When speaking to your mother refrain from using the word pregnant.--- all three of these statements make more sense than anything Dubya has said... EVER.


Pharaoh finally saw the light, and allowed Moses to lead his homies into England, where they've rebuilt their famous Yo-yo shop. Moses, being a bright guy, video taped all the plagues and put them on YouTube for everyone to enjoy. God himself watches them over and over, with a big bucket of popcorn, on his large-screen TV.

Not to be confused with The Ten Plaques of Egypt