The Llama Scrolls: Bolivion
“Somehow, this seems awfully familiar.”
“Finally, the most beloved combination this world has ever seen is brought upon the world of digital entertainment: Politics, violence and Llamas.”
“Woe, let thine eyes thusly drinketh thine Llama's savory volumethriceth spittles, and turneth thine frown upsideth-down.”
“The title is spelled wrong.”
“So... are the scrolls made of llama skin, or something? Or are the scrolls about llamas?”
Bolivion is Molesta Softworks' latest and boldest entry in their beloved Llama chronicles, bringing punching of llamas to the gaming world with startling, estro-gen realism, while putting the gamer in the hotseat of true-to-life Bolivian politics through the eyes of Steven Seagal's burning glare, with the chance to come face to face in an epic, final confrontation with Che Guevara, possibly foiling his plans of Bolivianizing the free world with his unending spawns of Llama hordes.
The Beginning[edit]
It is a well-known fact[citation needed] that In Times of Great Peril©, Pirate Ninja Jesus takes a break from his evening squash games and sends the living spawn of mount Steven Seagal to kill off the current form of the evillest of evils (and probably snap some random pelvises in half on the way). The game starts off as you, Steven, walk menacingly into the streets of Bolivia, where you're immediately arrested and sent to jail by Che Guevara's robotic llama forces for tipping over a vase. In jail, you're quickly set free upon Bolivia again as three very recently couped ministers (voiced by renowned talents Alec Baldwin, Spock and Black Santa) and their bodyguards (voiced by some bum found in the alley behind Molesta Softworks' offices) barge into your cell for no apparent reason, and hence asplode by your Seagal-y powers. Unfortunately you asploded something on a day that's got an a in it, and thus Che Guevara skips in, brandishes his Scissors of Liberation and deftly snaps off your ponytail, the source of all your powers, fragments it and hides its kung-fu experience (along with some golds, hair extensions, grease and cocaine potions) in the galls of millions of Llamas across the nation. This must be slushed out and collected if you are to have any hope to avenge your ponytail and general honour by finally challenging Che Guevara himself! But something more sinister may be brewing under the fur... Or in the excrements. Bolivia beckons you.
“Stop that commercial tone! ..OR ELSE.”
“Now it's personal.”
“llama's have done nothing to you!!.. Arggg get off me!!”
“Ok now its personal Llama scum!!”
“They're after me lucky charms!”
Gameplay[edit]
As the force known as Steven Seagal, you are faced with the responsibility of numerous, arduous tasks besides combatting and punching your way through miles on miles of wicked Llama. You may be sent out on tasks of fetching coca leaves, and kill dragons save the princess obtain über weapons and armor lasersight get new, exciting abilities get pets learn something about yourself save the world punching more Llamas. After you have successfully punched 26,754,938 Llamas, the mystical Dalai Llama will appear and transport you to Camel-lot, in which you must punch another 26,754,938 Llamas before the game allows you to shut down your console.
Combat and Levelling[edit]
Based on Molesta Softworks' copyrighted and more copywronged advanced skillzor-ution system, the gamer's progress is logged and calculated in an advanced algorithm that fuses every punch, slap and chop into a "twatting" level set, which floats seamlessly and fluidly into the gameplay, which again distributes into the gamer's total pool of Seagal-y power.
| Punches | Twatting level |
|---|---|
After approximately one googol punches, your Twatting level will increase with no noticeable benefits- But to encourage farming, this Twatting level must only be increased to the same amount as your telephone number (painlessly collected by Molesta Softworks' voyeur department) before it streams into you total level pool of Seagal-y power, raising it from 0 to a random infitesimal. As soon as your seagal-y powers reach about five stories high, you will be able to feel a rise in power, which the game's llama mobs immediately will scale up to match, ensuring that the game always stays challenging and balanced.
NPC interaction[edit]
Bolivion features a varied cast of cocaine farmers (and of course, the known and loved Mai'q the Stoner, voiced by Michael Jackson) to aid you on your quest. Hence, to keep up with the game's expertly tailored AI routines of snorting and sleeping, Mr. Seagal will be able to utilize Molesta's advanced communications system EvenSteven©, featuring quips, snarls, grunts and dashing one-liners, as well as a complex facial expression system with a wide range of emotions, in what sums up as the most realistic gaming expression & communications system to date*.
*taking into consideration that we except the expected exceptions
Third-Party Technology[edit]
Since Molesta Softworks' fundings for the Bolivion project mainly went to the storywriters, many third party technologies were used to make this the polished masterpiece it is.[citation needed]
- Froth&Spittle- The one and only drool simulator, boiled in the dark corners of Cthulhus cellar
- Sand&Stuff- From the developers of Froth&Spittle, watch those flaky, dry steppes of rock and dust make you thirst for Llama Saliva and hair grease
- PonyPower- The Official Steven Ponytail swiggling simulator, complete with a faint odour of ass-kicking haircreams
VegetationLife- Scrapped. Inserted more Sand&Stuff. (Will be released with the $78.94 expansion that will only be available for sale in Romania)
Controversy and Rating[edit]
After its initital release, there was made a shocking discovery of sneaky, malicious, hidden content that obviously had been hidden away from the raters during inspection. Apparently, if the gamer was merely to download a DB13:37++ Hacking system, and then proceeded to rip out the game content, chew on it, add some lube, slap it with a banana and the northwest end of a semi-ripe pineapple, and then shove it back in along with some animations and textures ripped off haveitwaynestyle-youdirtyllamas.tv and random sound clips of "GLAARaAaRgghAaaAAA!!", the gamer would after 178+ hours of gameplay come face to face with a so-called breast. Possibly.
But thanks to the rigorous work of people with a strong sense of moral code, this atrocity was brought to light, and the game was fitted with a more suitable rating of 42+, and decided illegal to play on weekdays and during moist weather conditions.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, not to be confused with the Royal Society for the Perpetual Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA), were enraged by the game's release, and started a campaign against it. They reasoned that the game 'encourages people to punch Llamas without reason'. The PEGI system labelled the claims 'ridiculous and completely unfounded' and the campaign was brought to an abrupt end.