Tater tots

This is not the sort of tater tot you're thinking of. Hopefully.

Tater tots. Is there anything they can't do?

Entertain the kids

Tater tots are the third most ultimate plaything for kids of all ages, behind the Bible and throwing knives. Children are naturally drawn to their friendly cylindrical shape, much as junkies are drawn to pill bottles and cans of spray paint. Tater tots are the perfectly sized toy, as they are too large to go up a child's nose, but perfect for lots of fun activities: playing catch, using as building blocks, practicing with numbers, playing house, hide-and-go-seek, and inserting anally. Er, only do that last one if I'm there to supervise.

Emergency power source

You know how people stick a couple leads in a potato and use it as a battery? With a regular potato you can get about a AAA battery's worth of power for around six minutes. That's pretty good, but you're working with a raw, unprocessed potato. Can you imagine the sort of power you get once that potato is divided into pieces and each piece is bombarded with heat energy in an oven for minutes at a time? I couldn't tell you, because if I had to write out the number of joules of energy you end up with, I would deplete the Internet's supply of zeroes. And there's probably a name for it, but I bet I'd misspell it.

Anyway, one tater tot has exactly the functional power and lifespan of a B battery. What, you've never heard of B batteries? That's because their proper name is 'tater tot.'

Look at them. So suave, so collected. Nothing is getting past these tots.

Negotiate with foreign superpowers

Tater tots are the perfect negotiator. One, they can represent just about any country, providence or political cause you can think of, and you won't hear a word of complaint. Two, tater tots are completely impervious to coercion, bullying, bribery, corruption, depantsing or any other sort of trickery you can imagine. Foreign superpowers and giant multinationals usually wield considerable influence to sway policies in their favor, but all the political power in the world is useless against the mighty tater tot. When confronted with demands, the ever-patient tater tot will simply wait, offering no ground, staring down the opposition unblinkingly. Eventually the foreign superpowers and giant multinationals of the world will fall to the influence of the tater tot, as they realize that all the yelling and blaspheming and name calling in the world doesn't get them anywhere with this one unbeatable foe.

Furthermore, assassinating a tater tot is just about a waste of time. For obvious reasons, such as the fact that tater tots are not alive. Assassinations only make them angry.

Conversion into highly volatile explosives that look like tater tots

They may look like delicious snacks, but these tater tots could potentially be extremely dangerous weapons.

The energy that allows a tater tot to act as an effective battery can be used for more entertaining purposes, such as blowing things up. The grease contained within tater tots can be further processed and, combined with a secret blend of herbs and spices, produces a potent explosive optimized for smuggling into high school lunch rooms. One tater tot has the explosive power of about, oh, a quarter stick of dynamite. That means four of these together is, like, two sticks of dynamite. Tater tot grenades can be hurled at your adversaries or even shot from a potato gun. And if you attach a small pair of wings and a guidance system, you have a flying, self-navigating, exploding tater tot. Nothing is cooler than that.

Feed the hungry

I guess we can also use tater tots to end world hunger. But honestly, I doubt it because few people actually like eating tater tots. It's just a fun thing to say. Try it yourself.

"Tater tot."

Isn't that fun?